Great Escapes

I hope everyone had a great 4th! I spent the night of the 3rd at a friend's annual party. The hostess brought up my blog, and some of the ladies and I began to talk about horrible dating experiences. We agreed that one thing that every person, man or woman, needs when going into a first date is an escape plan. How do you get out of it if the date is a night- or daymare? Do you feign sickness? Unless you're a really good actress, your date can probably see right through that. Do you have your sister call you back with a "family emergency"? Ugh too typical. There are elaborate schemes such as having your friend come in 20 minutes after the date starts and if you say, "Hey, what's up?", she knows it's going well and leaves you alone, and if you say, "It's so good to see you!", she parks herself at your table and joins you, bringing a much-needed change of dynamic. And a certain someone I know has pulled the old-"I just have to run to the restroom" then-sneak-out-the-back-routine.*

One of the party guests, "S", had an excellent escape plan, which I'll get to in a bit. It's a modified version of my own plan, which I thought was fail-proof....but here's the story of the man who thwarted me.**

I met Joe at a party. We started talking about what foodies we are and how there was a new restaurant that we were both looking forward to trying and so, we set up a date at 7 p.m. for dinner that following Wednesday. That night, once we were both seated at the restaurant and scanning the menu, I said to Joe, "I'm starving...want to order an appetizer?"  Joe looked at me matter-of-factly and said, "Oh, I'm just drinking beer actually. I just had some pizza at work." I was completely confused. Was this the same guy who told me that he was a foodie and couldn't wait to try the food at the new place and made a plan at 7 pm for dinner? What was I supposed to do? Eat a three-course meal while he sat there watching me?

Immediately, I thought that this must be his escape plan. Maybe he had been drinking too much at the party and wasn't really that into me and he was using the "I already ate." to make it an early night? It would make sense. But, I was still hungry. So, I responded, "I thought we were grabbing dinner, so I didn't eat. Is it ok with you if I order something?" He said, "Sure. I was planning on dinner too, but you know, the pizza was free."

So, there we were on an extremely awkward date. He's sitting there watching me eat. I'm sitting there knowing that he really doesn't want to be there and thinking of a good way to say, "You know, I'm a grown-up and I have eaten by myself before, so you don't have to stay and watch." As we made small talk, I realized that we weren't that great of a match anyway. He was 32 years old, living with 6 (no typo--that's a six) guys who had just turned twenty-one. When I asked him about the living situation, thinking in my head that it was temporary until he could find a better place, he answered, "Well, I found them on Craigslist and they have a hot tub. That's f*ckin money!"

Mercifully, I soon finished my appetizer and waved the waitress over for the check (which I paid for in its entirety, Joe's three beers included). I picked up my purse and started to get up to go on my merry way, when Joe said, "What's up next?" What?? This guy was completely confusing. I thought that the whole "I just ate" was his escape plan, but could it actually be because he was too cheap for dinner when work was springing for free pizza? So, it was time to implement my own escape. One that had never NEVER failed. I said, hopefully with convincing regret, "I have to run to the library before it closes. This is the last day that they'll hold my book for me." And then that scheming devil uttered the words that completely thwarted*** my Great Escape: "Sounds good. I'll go with you!"

Now, let's go back to "S" at the party. She shared a similar story. Her date didn't last as long as mine did. They sat down at the table and he started the conversation off with, "So...what do you think would be a good way to die?" I'm pretty sure that's how Dahmer started off his dates, too. As this was in the age of payphones and pagers, she excused herself, called her friend from a payphone and told her to page her in a few minutes. Once she sat back down and got the page, she said, "Oh, I have an emergency at work. I'm going to have to cut this short." And he responded, "No problem. I'll go with you!"

"S" had a much better escape tactic than I did. They got on the subway together. He asked her what stop it was. She looked up at the map and gave him some random stop. Then, at the very next stop, just as the doors were about to close, she jumped onto the platform and said, "See you later!" She never saw him after that.

I'm not sure if I'll use the "library" excuse again for fear that I might run into another devious wit who offers to accompany me. But, if I do, I'm taking a cue from "S" and making sure that it's a library that's accessible by T.

*After I laid a good old-fashioned Jewish guilt trip on her, she promised to never do that again.

**I don't think that I've used the word "thwart" before. Not sure that I will again.

***I was wrong.