Christmas with the Other Family

The holidays are a time to spend with family. Sometimes that family isn't yours. Anyone who is a part of a "so-and so" and "so-and-so" usually has to make the decision of whether to spend the holidays with their significant other's family or with their own. The smart way to make the decision is to figure out which family will be having more fun. (My sister's boyfriend's famous line is "That sounds like something fun to do with your sisters" whenever my sister mentions some holiday-heavy event that he doesn't really want to go to, such as the Nutcracker or the Rockettes.) But, there are times when you don't have a choice in the matter.

A friend of mine, who I will call "C", recently told me a Christmas story.* Every year, C and her wife have a day with the wife's family when they exchange gifts Secret Santa style and take part in a Yankee swap. Every year, C mentions to her wife that she might sit out this year. But, at the wife's insistence that C sitting out will disappoint her family, C decides to participate.

Their Secret Santa is an elaborate process in which all of the names (C, wife, 2 sisters-in law, 2 brothers-in-law, and parents-in-law) are emailed to a friend, and then the friend emails them all back with their Secret Santa assignment.

This year, C was excited. For the Secret Santa, she had her mother-in-law and had bought a nice pair of leather gloves. For the Yankee swap, she had gotten a cool pair of earmuffs with built-in headphones, perfect for jogging or walking in the winter weather. Everyone gathered at Sister-in-Law #1's house. The gift exchange was underway! C watched everyone exchange gifts, and when the exchange was over, she looked down...at her empty lap.

You see, Brother-in-Law number #1 had "forgotten" to get C a gift. C would normally be understanding about something like this...except that this is the second time that this had happened. So, C sat there watching everyone open their presents. C's mother-in-law advised that she thought the new gloves that C gave her were the wrong size. C's sister-in-law went into another room and emerged wearing her brand new pajamas. And C sat with her empty hands and her visions of sugar plums.

And when it came time for the Yankee Swap, C got a lovely...jar opener.

When C and her wife returned home, her wife wearing her brand new gifted sweater, C casually mentioned that she probably would sit out the gift-giving the next year. To which her wife responded, "What? You have to. It means so much to my family!"

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent's marriage.

Anyone Can Be a Detective

It's probably new to no one except me that Google has a reverse image search function, meaning that you can plug the image into the search bar, and if that picture is anywhere on the internet, Google will be able to find it. I learned that from Nev on Catfish.

This week, I decided to go Encyclopedia Brown on this guy's ass. "Kevin" had contacted me online a few years ago and sent his picture. We spoke for a few days, and then he started getting weird. He had a ridiculous obsession with girls in boyshorts. And would inexplicably send me pictures of girls...in boyshorts, most of them of a female "friend" of his. I started to get creeped out and stopped talking to him.

After my radio silence, he sent an email telling me that he had sent me a fake picture, and he actually wasn't who he said he was. He had sent a picture of his friend. My response was, "Well, can you fix me up with that guy," because he was pretty cute. And he answered, "Yeah, I guess I can ask if he'll talk to you." About a day later, I received a message from a "Mike". I was pretty sure that it was the same guy as "Kevin", but at this point, it was kind of amusing.

Needless to say, I stopped talking to both Kevin and/or Mike within a day or so because he and/or they were just plain weird.

Going through some old emails for blog material, I came across the Kevin/Mike exchange and the guy's picture. Wondering who this guy might be, I plugged his image into Google. And his linkedin picture came up. [Just a note: no fairy-tale ending here, the real Kevin/Mike is married.]

Let's break down the facts, ma'am. Fake Kevin/Mike had about 8 pictures of this guy, and the female friend, AND the two of them together. So, it had to have been someone who had access to these pictures somehow. It was most likely someone that he knew. Doing a little bit more research from the name on the linkedin profile, I discovered real Kevin/Mike's facebook page and that he was married to the "female friend". Now, here was the dilemma. I would want to know if someone was sending my picture to strangers on the internet and claiming that it was me. I would especially want to know if he was sending pictures of my wife! But, I would also be kind of creeped out if some random girl Ace Ventura-ed me.

Not usually one to be embarrassed, I believed that the right thing to do would be to let real Kevin/Mike know about fake Kevin/Mike. And so, I sent him this:

"Hi! You don't know me personally. This is very weird and random, but I thought that you should know. I know I would want to! A couple of years ago, I met a guy online. He told me that his name was Kevin and he sent me your picture AND a picture of your wife. As we talked more, he sent me more and more pictures of you two, so I think that it must be someone that you know. We only talked for a couple of days because he started to seem sketchy, so I ultimately stopped talking to him.
I reversed google image searched you so that I could tell you because I think that if a friend of mine was sending out my picture and pictures of my wife to random strangers on the internet, I would want to know that. I can give you more information if you need or want it. Or you can just ignore this message which is ok too. I just wanted to let you know."

I'm not sure if I'll hear back from the real Kevin/Mike. But, hopefully, I have rid the world of one more lying liar. I can't help but think that real Kevin/Mike's wife in her boyshorts is smiling at me from somewhere else...or maybe she's horrified by the whole ordeal because her husband is showing her racy pictures to all of his friends.

Things you Shouldn't Do Post-30 while Socially Drinking

I frequently channel my inner Murtagh by saying in a gruff, gravelly voice, "I'm too old for this shit". And it mostly happens when I'm out having a couple of drinks. But, sometimes I wonder whether other people realize that they're also too old to do some of this shit. So, I thought I would be helpfully patronizing by submitting my list of things that people shouldn't do once they've hit 30 if they're out drinking socially. I realize that I'm going to sound extremely stodgy here...let's just hope it's in an endearing "Get off my lawn! Leave an old lady in peace!" way.

1.) Standing in line to get into bars. Hopefully, by the time you've hit 30, you've realized that the alcohol they serve at the bar next door with no line is exactly the same as the alcohol that they serve in the bar for which you've been standing in line for 20 minutes, in the freezing cold, surrounded by too many loud drunk guys looking at their phones and loud drunk girls who should be looking for the other parts of their dresses. You've also realized that whenever you actually do get into said bar, the likelihood of it actually being full is much less than the likelihood that the bouncers made you stand outside so that it looks like it's a popular place. Walk past the line and go to the bar next door. I say this not because you're too good to stand in a line (which you are), but because after 30 you're much more likely to ask to see the manager once you see that the bar is empty with a line outside and berate him for making you stand outside for 20 minutes and then get madder than Dave Seville after Alvin has pulled his most mischievous shenanigans. Best to go next door, enjoy a night of accessible bartenders, and write a nasty yelp review about the bar with the line when you get home.

2.) Referring to people as "Bro", "Bruh", or something that changes their name into Bro-something, like "Broseph" or "Brohammed". Unless your nickname is the Big Kahuna and you live in a surfboard storage shed on the beach, you should never refer to people as "bro" unless you're using it ironically. You'll notice that Barney Stinson always refers to the "Bro-Code", but he still calls Ted, "Ted".

3.) Hanging out with college kids. The over-used movie cliche in teen coming-of-age movies is the football star from last year who was a big deal in high school, but still comes to underage parties after everyone else has gone to college. I don't think that this is quite so bad, because sometimes you have friends that are still in high school and you like to see them when you're home for winter break. But, there is a real life version that involves people over 30 hanging out at college parties and this is not ok. Yes, college girls can be easy but legal. Yes, the booze is usually free. There's just something really sad about a 30 year old partying with a bunch of 20 year olds in the basement of a house that belonged to a professor in the 1920's. I would like to make an exception for people that belong in a fraternity and still go to the frat house to hang out with their "brothers"...but I can't. Speaking of people who are drunk and sad...

4.) Being a "sad drunk". It isn't overly enjoyable, but it is still tolerable when a 21 year old has had a little too much to drink and bursts into tears about how she doesn't have any friends, and how she really loves [insert name of man that she met at Hollister last week, but doesn't know his last name yet], but feels like he's never going to love her back, like really love her back. By the time you get to 30, the people that are around this girl every time this happens are pretty sick and tired of it. They would much rather be with the 30-year old drunk across the bar who's telling everyone in sight that she loves them and ordering everyone to do "I love you this much" shots.

5.) Sleeping around. So, in your 20's, it can be ok to have seen too many episodes of Sex and the City/Entourage and think of yourself as a liberated feminist/playboy that chews up men/women and spits them out on their "You'll call me, right?" face. But, when you hit 30, and people seem to be coupling up and settling down and popping out kids, then waiting till closing time every weekend to see whom you can bring home should make you feel a little bit washed-up. If it's not, you may want to re-watch Sex and the City 2 and Entourage Season 8, and then see how you feel.