Part of the reason that I've been Ross and Racheling it with Coop is that despite my attempts to get him to do it, he refuses to define the relationship. So, I began to think about why it's so important to me to have a definition while it's seemingly as important to him as the question of how many seasons 2 Broke Girls is going to last.
For starters, let's run through your usual definitions of relationships and what I take them to mean:
1.) Talking to each other. The very beginning of a relationship. You haven't really gone out on a full-blown date yet, but you're aware of each other's interest and know that the date most likely is going to happen soon.
2.) Seeing each other. You've started the dating process and you've gone out a few times and stay in touch. You're not at the point where you're introducing each other to your friends and family, but those people know that you're "seeing someone" and have noticed that this particular person has come up in conversation more often than the people that you're just "talking to".
3.) Dating. You've been seeing each other for a few months at this point. You're starting to meet some friends and family and gauging how the other person interacts with them. Side note: Sometimes this definition is used for "seeing each other" and vice versa.
4.) Boyfriend/Girlfriend; Girlfriend/Girlfriend; Boyfriend/Boyfriend. You're in a relationship. Everyone knows that you're in a relationship. There's no question that you're in a relationship.
5.) Significant Other or as the kids say "Sig O". Word that people use when they think "boyfriend" is too juvenile, "husband" is too antiquated and patriarchal, and "partner" is too "I'm trying too hard to be politically correct."
6.) Booty call. Strictly a sexual relationship that only takes place betweeen the hours of 1 a.m. and 5 a.m.
7.) Friends with benefits. Much like a booty call in that you hide the sexual relationship from your friends. But, in this situation, you actually kind of like the person as a person even though there's no romantic involvement. It's a continual relationship, but there are never strings attached.
So, why is it so important to me that I fall into one of these categories? Well, when you don't have a definition, as I've learned, there is no good answer to the following question: "Is that your boyfriend?" I've been asked this a number of times, typically in a hushed voice, when Coop and I go somewhere together, as soon as he walks away. The answer that I usually give, in an equally hushed voice, is this: "Well, we are friends, except we have a deeper connection than most friends and we were dating, but we're not now, but we like each other as more than friends, but he's not my boyfriend. Is there a word for that?" To make it more confusing, our friends have started to treat us like we're a unit..."Mel and Coop". They make plans with us by talking to one of us, and the expectation is that that one will just sorta bring the other one along to the outing. And I've kind of started to expect that too.
I think that definitions help so that you know how to act when you're around each other. It makes a difference. If we're just friends, well then, I won't make out with you...or show up drunk at your house unannounced...or make you mix tapes with angsty "will they or won't they" music because that would just be weird. If we're seeing each other or dating, then drunken pop-ins and mix tapes are too much. But, if we're boyfriend and girlfriend, then it's just right. And if you act like it's just right, it means that you're comfortable being my boyfriend, so then why are you saying that you're not my boyfriend. Confused? So am I.
And to make all of this even MORE confusing, when I ask Coop about how he would define the relationship, his answer is "Well, we don't need to define it because it's obvious." For crying out loud to Jenna Hamilton.
I've ultimately come to the conclusion that if you can't define the relationship, it means that you just aren't in one...in the normal sense of the word. And that's not really a conclusion at all, is it?
Showing posts with label Lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lists. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Pros and Cons of The Big Move, Part 2
Pros of moving from Quincy to Somerville after 11 years
Last week, I shared the cons of moving, especially after living in your apartment for 11 years. Today, I'd like to share the pros. Here they are, in order of most to least interesting:
1.) 11 years of crap- Yes, this was a con, but it's more of a pro! I had so many surprise treasures waiting for me in unknown closets! From a closet in my hallway, I pulled out a gift bag from behind some boxes, opened it, and Holy Christmas in Springtime, it was a still-wrapped DVD collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seasons one and two!! At some point in time (Update: 5 years ago), someone (Update: My sister, Stacy) gave me the DVDs for Christmakah! And I'm as psyched about watching them now as I probably was back then! It's like Christmakah all over again.
Not only did I find presents, I found this autographed picture of Baywatch's David Chokachi:
And this one of MTV's Todd 1 Brown:
My friend and I wrote Todd 1 a bazillion fan letters when we were thirteen. I was a little bit jealous of her because her autographed picture said "Lots of Love", while mine said, "You Down With MTV?" which is probably what Todd 1 used to say to his lesbian fans. But, I'm over it...clearly.
2.) Moving to a new place- Another great thing about moving is that you get to explore new places. I'm planning on becoming a regular at the Thirsty Scholar because a) it's within stumbling home distance from my new apartment, and b) they have very patient staff. I had a little housewarming there the week that I moved (yes, I had a housewarming party at a bar rather than my actual house), and even though I babbled to the waitress about twelve or thirteen times that I just moved to the neighborhood and that I was going to be a regular, she kept a smile on her face every time I said it and waited until my back was turned before rolling her eyes. That's good service!
3.) Good way to clean your apartment. If you ever want to give your house a thorough cleaning, move out of it. You end up throwing away all the stuff you don't use anymore and you can trick people into helping you by calling it "packing".
All in all, I'm excited about my move from Quincy to Somerville. It'll be refreshing to walk down the street and get honked at because I'm in the way, rather than because my bum looks nice in my jeans. The homeless people are more veteran-like than methhead-like. And the redline stops on this side of Boston seem to go much quicker.
But, I will miss the place that I called home for 11 years, and the friends that I've made there. Trivia night at the Commonwealth. Dinner at the Fat Cat. Impromptu late night make-out sessions with Brian, the 22-year old Papa Gino's delivery guy. Blowing off going to O'Lindy's bowling alley because I live next door and I can always go next weekend...and doing it for 11 years straight. The memories will always stay with me. I did a lot of growing up in Quincy and I'll never forget that phase in my life. So, thanks to the Q! I'll see you soon!
And to Somerville, thank you for having me! Although it's only been a few weeks, there was a recent moment when, while the lightning flashed outside my window, amidst the cardboard boxes and plastic bags, you finally started to feel like home.
Last week, I shared the cons of moving, especially after living in your apartment for 11 years. Today, I'd like to share the pros. Here they are, in order of most to least interesting:
1.) 11 years of crap- Yes, this was a con, but it's more of a pro! I had so many surprise treasures waiting for me in unknown closets! From a closet in my hallway, I pulled out a gift bag from behind some boxes, opened it, and Holy Christmas in Springtime, it was a still-wrapped DVD collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seasons one and two!! At some point in time (Update: 5 years ago), someone (Update: My sister, Stacy) gave me the DVDs for Christmakah! And I'm as psyched about watching them now as I probably was back then! It's like Christmakah all over again.
Not only did I find presents, I found this autographed picture of Baywatch's David Chokachi:
And this one of MTV's Todd 1 Brown:
My friend and I wrote Todd 1 a bazillion fan letters when we were thirteen. I was a little bit jealous of her because her autographed picture said "Lots of Love", while mine said, "You Down With MTV?" which is probably what Todd 1 used to say to his lesbian fans. But, I'm over it...clearly.
2.) Moving to a new place- Another great thing about moving is that you get to explore new places. I'm planning on becoming a regular at the Thirsty Scholar because a) it's within stumbling home distance from my new apartment, and b) they have very patient staff. I had a little housewarming there the week that I moved (yes, I had a housewarming party at a bar rather than my actual house), and even though I babbled to the waitress about twelve or thirteen times that I just moved to the neighborhood and that I was going to be a regular, she kept a smile on her face every time I said it and waited until my back was turned before rolling her eyes. That's good service!
3.) Good way to clean your apartment. If you ever want to give your house a thorough cleaning, move out of it. You end up throwing away all the stuff you don't use anymore and you can trick people into helping you by calling it "packing".
All in all, I'm excited about my move from Quincy to Somerville. It'll be refreshing to walk down the street and get honked at because I'm in the way, rather than because my bum looks nice in my jeans. The homeless people are more veteran-like than methhead-like. And the redline stops on this side of Boston seem to go much quicker.
But, I will miss the place that I called home for 11 years, and the friends that I've made there. Trivia night at the Commonwealth. Dinner at the Fat Cat. Impromptu late night make-out sessions with Brian, the 22-year old Papa Gino's delivery guy. Blowing off going to O'Lindy's bowling alley because I live next door and I can always go next weekend...and doing it for 11 years straight. The memories will always stay with me. I did a lot of growing up in Quincy and I'll never forget that phase in my life. So, thanks to the Q! I'll see you soon!
And to Somerville, thank you for having me! Although it's only been a few weeks, there was a recent moment when, while the lightning flashed outside my window, amidst the cardboard boxes and plastic bags, you finally started to feel like home.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Pros and Cons of The Big Move, Part 1
After eleven years of living in Quincy, I finally decided to bite the bangers and mash and move. I am now an official resident of Somerville, MA. The move made a heckuva lot of sense for me. I spend three or four of my nights in Somerville or Cambridge in one Square or another. And I work in Waltham. The only thing that had kept me from moving until now was the thought of packing up 11 years worth of crap and that I suffer from a debilitating bout of chronic laziness. But, when a friend of mine was moving out of her apartment, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to snag her digs. Before I could talk myself out of it with visions of cardboard boxes and treks to the dumpster and thoughts of what could potentially be growing underneath my love seat, I signed the lease and moved last week.
During my move, I discovered that there were pros and cons of moving. I'll start with the cons and get my complaining out of the way:
Cons of moving from Quincy to Somerville after 11 years
1.) Going through the afore-mentioned 11 years of crap. When you've lived in the same place for 11 years straight, you amass a lot of stuff that you haven't looked at in 11 years. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I made twenty-two trips to the dumpster behind my building and three trips to goodwill. And I STILL had a ton of junk left over, enough so that I received disapproving looks from my movers when they arrived on Monday morning, and I had to hide my head in shame like a coned puppy.
In a cabinet that I clearly had not opened in the past 8 years, I found a stocked-disgusting-liquor-that-I-hate stash.
Triple Sec, yuck. Orange Stoli, blech. I think there's even a cup o'noodles in there in the back? My sister, Lori, was kind of enough to throw it all in the trash.
2.) Finding scary bottles of goo. Speaking of disgusting things in cabinets, I also found a bottle of brown goo that used to be ketchup. The sell-by date was 2008. I didn't look that closely, or take a picture because I was having trouble keeping my noodles down, and I'm sorry for that because I bet that you're all wondering what 2008 ketchup looks like.
3.) Dropping your keys down an elevator shaft. This last one might not be a con related to EVERYONE's move, but it sure was a con of mine. At the end of move-in day, after three straight days of packing and moving, I was so tired that I was having trouble getting my body to do what my brain wanted it to do. My very last job of the day was to go to my old apartment in Quincy and clean out all of the trash that we had left that day. As my parents and I were walking down the hall to the elevator, I walked right into the fire extinguisher box on the wall. My parents laughed at me because they're super sympathetic. My mom made the statement, "In 11 years of living here, have you ever done that before?" And I laughed and said no and turned back around toward the elevator. As I turned, just as my dad opened the elevator door, my car keys dropped out of my hand and rolled toward the crevice between the elevator floor and the hall.The three of us watched with horror as the car key slipped right through the crack into the darkness below. Now, this would upset someone who had just been to Disney World, rode Splash Mountain five times in a row, watched the Electric Light parade, sang along to It's a Small World and oooh-ed and aaaah-ed at the fireworks exploding over Cinderella's castle. To someone who had just been through one of the most exhausting days of her life, it was too much to handle. And I had a meltdown.
During my meltdown, my poor parents who were just as tired as I was, tried to offer helpful suggestions. Call the landlord! (Didn't answer.) Call the fire department! (Sad that I was crying but couldn't help). We finally decided that my dad would drive me to Somerville where I could get the spare (luckily, I knew right where I had packed it!) and then back down to Quincy to get my car. So, that's what we did. By the time that we got back to Quincy, it was after midnight. I thanked my parents for all of their help and said goodbye and watched them drive away. With a sigh, I went over to my car in the parking lot, pressed the alarm button on the key and watched...as nothing happened. Apparently, if you haven't used the spare remote control key in a while, the transmitter dies on you.
Anyway, I had enough wits about me to try to get a new battery. (Didn't work.) Call my sister who lives in the same apartment building as my old apartment (Offered to drive me to Somerville and sleep over so that I could feed my cat). And try the manual key without the remote control. (Tripped the alarm).
After saying farewell to my neighbors with three trips of the car alarm at 1 a.m., we finally figured out how to start my car with the manual key. I was able to go to the dealer the next day and get a new transmitter. And that, my friends, was my last day in Quincy.
Stay tuned next post for the Pros of the Big Move and why, after all this, I'm psyched that I made it!
During my move, I discovered that there were pros and cons of moving. I'll start with the cons and get my complaining out of the way:
Cons of moving from Quincy to Somerville after 11 years
1.) Going through the afore-mentioned 11 years of crap. When you've lived in the same place for 11 years straight, you amass a lot of stuff that you haven't looked at in 11 years. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I made twenty-two trips to the dumpster behind my building and three trips to goodwill. And I STILL had a ton of junk left over, enough so that I received disapproving looks from my movers when they arrived on Monday morning, and I had to hide my head in shame like a coned puppy.
In a cabinet that I clearly had not opened in the past 8 years, I found a stocked-disgusting-liquor-that-I-hate stash.
Triple Sec, yuck. Orange Stoli, blech. I think there's even a cup o'noodles in there in the back? My sister, Lori, was kind of enough to throw it all in the trash.
2.) Finding scary bottles of goo. Speaking of disgusting things in cabinets, I also found a bottle of brown goo that used to be ketchup. The sell-by date was 2008. I didn't look that closely, or take a picture because I was having trouble keeping my noodles down, and I'm sorry for that because I bet that you're all wondering what 2008 ketchup looks like.
3.) Dropping your keys down an elevator shaft. This last one might not be a con related to EVERYONE's move, but it sure was a con of mine. At the end of move-in day, after three straight days of packing and moving, I was so tired that I was having trouble getting my body to do what my brain wanted it to do. My very last job of the day was to go to my old apartment in Quincy and clean out all of the trash that we had left that day. As my parents and I were walking down the hall to the elevator, I walked right into the fire extinguisher box on the wall. My parents laughed at me because they're super sympathetic. My mom made the statement, "In 11 years of living here, have you ever done that before?" And I laughed and said no and turned back around toward the elevator. As I turned, just as my dad opened the elevator door, my car keys dropped out of my hand and rolled toward the crevice between the elevator floor and the hall.The three of us watched with horror as the car key slipped right through the crack into the darkness below. Now, this would upset someone who had just been to Disney World, rode Splash Mountain five times in a row, watched the Electric Light parade, sang along to It's a Small World and oooh-ed and aaaah-ed at the fireworks exploding over Cinderella's castle. To someone who had just been through one of the most exhausting days of her life, it was too much to handle. And I had a meltdown.
During my meltdown, my poor parents who were just as tired as I was, tried to offer helpful suggestions. Call the landlord! (Didn't answer.) Call the fire department! (Sad that I was crying but couldn't help). We finally decided that my dad would drive me to Somerville where I could get the spare (luckily, I knew right where I had packed it!) and then back down to Quincy to get my car. So, that's what we did. By the time that we got back to Quincy, it was after midnight. I thanked my parents for all of their help and said goodbye and watched them drive away. With a sigh, I went over to my car in the parking lot, pressed the alarm button on the key and watched...as nothing happened. Apparently, if you haven't used the spare remote control key in a while, the transmitter dies on you.
Anyway, I had enough wits about me to try to get a new battery. (Didn't work.) Call my sister who lives in the same apartment building as my old apartment (Offered to drive me to Somerville and sleep over so that I could feed my cat). And try the manual key without the remote control. (Tripped the alarm).
After saying farewell to my neighbors with three trips of the car alarm at 1 a.m., we finally figured out how to start my car with the manual key. I was able to go to the dealer the next day and get a new transmitter. And that, my friends, was my last day in Quincy.
Stay tuned next post for the Pros of the Big Move and why, after all this, I'm psyched that I made it!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Why I'm still single
Happy VD!!! (and that can stand for whatever you want it to...) In honor of VD, I decided to take a good, hard look at myself and answer the question that I often get asked, for better or worse, "Mel, why are you still single?" I think that it's a combination of things for a variety of reasons: character flaws, life choices, just plain dumb luck. But, I've compiled this list of the five major reasons, in my belief, that I haven't found Mr. Right-For-Me yet.
1.) I talk about computer games like they're real. I've realized something this week. I've been way too harsh on role-playing gamers who dress up like elves or fairies or whatever and have pretend battles in middle-school soccer fields. I do it, too! Well, not the pretend battle thing. But, after playing so many Nancy Drew computer games, I actually problem-solve like I'm Nancy Drew to figure things out now. And I think about Ned, and my best friends, Bess and George, and how much I miss them when I don't get to talk to them and...I digress. Bottom line is that I'm not that different from Eolain the Elder, or Jobias the Wizard, or Brian the Farmer or whatever.
2.) I start fights with people on okcupid. If it hasn't come across in my writing, I can be a bit sarcastic. And I also have a bad habit of not being able to let things go, as I've mentioned before. So, every once in a while I come across a dating profile and I can't help but write to that person and make some joke about why it sucks. For example, the other night, I came across a profile where the guy didn't have anything really to say about himself, but just had a bunch of links to youtube videos of awful music that he's made. Of course, this prompted me to send him a message that said, "Is this your dating profile or your music promotion page? Tough to say." To which I received a pretty nasty response, too juvenile to repeat here. Admittedly, I probably deserved a nasty response. But, why can't you just promote your horrible music on bandcamp or something and leave us daters alone? Anyway, if I stop spending my time instigating internet arguments, I may be able to find the right person.
3.) I have a Seinfeld and/or Saved by the Bell reference for any given situation. At a speed dating event recently, I had a conversation kinda like this:
Date: So, we only have 8 minutes! I have a very important question. What's your favorite cookie?
Me: Oh! I have to say chocolate chip. What's yours?
Date: I'm partial to the black and white.
Me: (thinking that he's bringing this up to see if we connect over Seinfeld) Aren't you worried about ruining your vomit streak?
Date: (with a blank stare) ...
Me: (thinking that I may be wrong) You know. Seinfeld? 'How's your stomach?' 'I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.'?
Date: (looking at me as if I had gotten his number from an AIDS walk list) Oh. I don't watch Seinfeld.
Me: ...oh. (muttering under my breath) where is that guy with the whistle...
That was the first time that I started to think that maybe it was me? As Elaine says, "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
4.) I hang out a lot one-on-one with straight-acting gay men. One of my very best friends happens to be male and happens to be gay. However, unless you have extremely attuned gaydar, you wouldn't know that he was gay unless you had an extensive conversation with him, in which he brings up how many guys he's banged. We do a lot of things together. Go to concerts. Go out to dinner. Go to Red Sox games. And we see a lot of friendly and cute men...and I'm beginning to think that these friendly and cute men may mistake us for a couple. The next time we go out, I may ask my BF (dammit, best friend, not boyfriend!) to wear hot pants and a tank top, so that there's no room for error.
5.) I denounced an entire religion for ten years based on a very small sample size. I would say about 77% of the words that come out of my mother's mouth are either, "wish", "settle", "down", "nice", "Jewish", or "boy". She wanted me to go to college, so that I could be independent. But, I think that she secretly was hoping I would end up with both a BA and a MRS degree. And so, she did everything within her power to push me toward Brandeis where all her dreams would come true. However, I had been to our temple. I had the mistaken view that all Jewish men were "not my type". And I fell in love with Tufts during a campus visit and went there instead (although Tufts and Brandeis probably aren't that far apart in the "we have Jews" competition). I never wanted to date a Jewish guy. I avoided the Hillel Center. I shunned any "Jewish singles" events that happened during college and throughout my 20's. And then I learned...that Gabe Kapler existed:
1.) I talk about computer games like they're real. I've realized something this week. I've been way too harsh on role-playing gamers who dress up like elves or fairies or whatever and have pretend battles in middle-school soccer fields. I do it, too! Well, not the pretend battle thing. But, after playing so many Nancy Drew computer games, I actually problem-solve like I'm Nancy Drew to figure things out now. And I think about Ned, and my best friends, Bess and George, and how much I miss them when I don't get to talk to them and...I digress. Bottom line is that I'm not that different from Eolain the Elder, or Jobias the Wizard, or Brian the Farmer or whatever.
2.) I start fights with people on okcupid. If it hasn't come across in my writing, I can be a bit sarcastic. And I also have a bad habit of not being able to let things go, as I've mentioned before. So, every once in a while I come across a dating profile and I can't help but write to that person and make some joke about why it sucks. For example, the other night, I came across a profile where the guy didn't have anything really to say about himself, but just had a bunch of links to youtube videos of awful music that he's made. Of course, this prompted me to send him a message that said, "Is this your dating profile or your music promotion page? Tough to say." To which I received a pretty nasty response, too juvenile to repeat here. Admittedly, I probably deserved a nasty response. But, why can't you just promote your horrible music on bandcamp or something and leave us daters alone? Anyway, if I stop spending my time instigating internet arguments, I may be able to find the right person.
3.) I have a Seinfeld and/or Saved by the Bell reference for any given situation. At a speed dating event recently, I had a conversation kinda like this:
Date: So, we only have 8 minutes! I have a very important question. What's your favorite cookie?
Me: Oh! I have to say chocolate chip. What's yours?
Date: I'm partial to the black and white.
Me: (thinking that he's bringing this up to see if we connect over Seinfeld) Aren't you worried about ruining your vomit streak?
Date: (with a blank stare) ...
Me: (thinking that I may be wrong) You know. Seinfeld? 'How's your stomach?' 'I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.'?
Date: (looking at me as if I had gotten his number from an AIDS walk list) Oh. I don't watch Seinfeld.
Me: ...oh. (muttering under my breath) where is that guy with the whistle...
That was the first time that I started to think that maybe it was me? As Elaine says, "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
4.) I hang out a lot one-on-one with straight-acting gay men. One of my very best friends happens to be male and happens to be gay. However, unless you have extremely attuned gaydar, you wouldn't know that he was gay unless you had an extensive conversation with him, in which he brings up how many guys he's banged. We do a lot of things together. Go to concerts. Go out to dinner. Go to Red Sox games. And we see a lot of friendly and cute men...and I'm beginning to think that these friendly and cute men may mistake us for a couple. The next time we go out, I may ask my BF (dammit, best friend, not boyfriend!) to wear hot pants and a tank top, so that there's no room for error.
5.) I denounced an entire religion for ten years based on a very small sample size. I would say about 77% of the words that come out of my mother's mouth are either, "wish", "settle", "down", "nice", "Jewish", or "boy". She wanted me to go to college, so that I could be independent. But, I think that she secretly was hoping I would end up with both a BA and a MRS degree. And so, she did everything within her power to push me toward Brandeis where all her dreams would come true. However, I had been to our temple. I had the mistaken view that all Jewish men were "not my type". And I fell in love with Tufts during a campus visit and went there instead (although Tufts and Brandeis probably aren't that far apart in the "we have Jews" competition). I never wanted to date a Jewish guy. I avoided the Hillel Center. I shunned any "Jewish singles" events that happened during college and throughout my 20's. And then I learned...that Gabe Kapler existed:
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Things you Shouldn't Do Post-30 while Socially Drinking
I frequently channel my inner Murtagh by saying in a gruff, gravelly voice, "I'm too old for this shit". And it mostly happens when I'm out having a couple of drinks. But, sometimes I wonder whether other people realize that they're also too old to do some of this shit. So, I thought I would be helpfully patronizing by submitting my list of things that people shouldn't do once they've hit 30 if they're out drinking socially. I realize that I'm going to sound extremely stodgy here...let's just hope it's in an endearing "Get off my lawn! Leave an old lady in peace!" way.
1.) Standing in line to get into bars. Hopefully, by the time you've hit 30, you've realized that the alcohol they serve at the bar next door with no line is exactly the same as the alcohol that they serve in the bar for which you've been standing in line for 20 minutes, in the freezing cold, surrounded by too many loud drunk guys looking at their phones and loud drunk girls who should be looking for the other parts of their dresses. You've also realized that whenever you actually do get into said bar, the likelihood of it actually being full is much less than the likelihood that the bouncers made you stand outside so that it looks like it's a popular place. Walk past the line and go to the bar next door. I say this not because you're too good to stand in a line (which you are), but because after 30 you're much more likely to ask to see the manager once you see that the bar is empty with a line outside and berate him for making you stand outside for 20 minutes and then get madder than Dave Seville after Alvin has pulled his most mischievous shenanigans. Best to go next door, enjoy a night of accessible bartenders, and write a nasty yelp review about the bar with the line when you get home.
2.) Referring to people as "Bro", "Bruh", or something that changes their name into Bro-something, like "Broseph" or "Brohammed". Unless your nickname is the Big Kahuna and you live in a surfboard storage shed on the beach, you should never refer to people as "bro" unless you're using it ironically. You'll notice that Barney Stinson always refers to the "Bro-Code", but he still calls Ted, "Ted".
3.) Hanging out with college kids. The over-used movie cliche in teen coming-of-age movies is the football star from last year who was a big deal in high school, but still comes to underage parties after everyone else has gone to college. I don't think that this is quite so bad, because sometimes you have friends that are still in high school and you like to see them when you're home for winter break. But, there is a real life version that involves people over 30 hanging out at college parties and this is not ok. Yes, college girls can be easy but legal. Yes, the booze is usually free. There's just something really sad about a 30 year old partying with a bunch of 20 year olds in the basement of a house that belonged to a professor in the 1920's. I would like to make an exception for people that belong in a fraternity and still go to the frat house to hang out with their "brothers"...but I can't. Speaking of people who are drunk and sad...
4.) Being a "sad drunk". It isn't overly enjoyable, but it is still tolerable when a 21 year old has had a little too much to drink and bursts into tears about how she doesn't have any friends, and how she really loves [insert name of man that she met at Hollister last week, but doesn't know his last name yet], but feels like he's never going to love her back, like really love her back. By the time you get to 30, the people that are around this girl every time this happens are pretty sick and tired of it. They would much rather be with the 30-year old drunk across the bar who's telling everyone in sight that she loves them and ordering everyone to do "I love you this much" shots.
5.) Sleeping around. So, in your 20's, it can be ok to have seen too many episodes of Sex and the City/Entourage and think of yourself as a liberated feminist/playboy that chews up men/women and spits them out on their "You'll call me, right?" face. But, when you hit 30, and people seem to be coupling up and settling down and popping out kids, then waiting till closing time every weekend to see whom you can bring home should make you feel a little bit washed-up. If it's not, you may want to re-watch Sex and the City 2 and Entourage Season 8, and then see how you feel.
1.) Standing in line to get into bars. Hopefully, by the time you've hit 30, you've realized that the alcohol they serve at the bar next door with no line is exactly the same as the alcohol that they serve in the bar for which you've been standing in line for 20 minutes, in the freezing cold, surrounded by too many loud drunk guys looking at their phones and loud drunk girls who should be looking for the other parts of their dresses. You've also realized that whenever you actually do get into said bar, the likelihood of it actually being full is much less than the likelihood that the bouncers made you stand outside so that it looks like it's a popular place. Walk past the line and go to the bar next door. I say this not because you're too good to stand in a line (which you are), but because after 30 you're much more likely to ask to see the manager once you see that the bar is empty with a line outside and berate him for making you stand outside for 20 minutes and then get madder than Dave Seville after Alvin has pulled his most mischievous shenanigans. Best to go next door, enjoy a night of accessible bartenders, and write a nasty yelp review about the bar with the line when you get home.
2.) Referring to people as "Bro", "Bruh", or something that changes their name into Bro-something, like "Broseph" or "Brohammed". Unless your nickname is the Big Kahuna and you live in a surfboard storage shed on the beach, you should never refer to people as "bro" unless you're using it ironically. You'll notice that Barney Stinson always refers to the "Bro-Code", but he still calls Ted, "Ted".
3.) Hanging out with college kids. The over-used movie cliche in teen coming-of-age movies is the football star from last year who was a big deal in high school, but still comes to underage parties after everyone else has gone to college. I don't think that this is quite so bad, because sometimes you have friends that are still in high school and you like to see them when you're home for winter break. But, there is a real life version that involves people over 30 hanging out at college parties and this is not ok. Yes, college girls can be easy but legal. Yes, the booze is usually free. There's just something really sad about a 30 year old partying with a bunch of 20 year olds in the basement of a house that belonged to a professor in the 1920's. I would like to make an exception for people that belong in a fraternity and still go to the frat house to hang out with their "brothers"...but I can't. Speaking of people who are drunk and sad...
4.) Being a "sad drunk". It isn't overly enjoyable, but it is still tolerable when a 21 year old has had a little too much to drink and bursts into tears about how she doesn't have any friends, and how she really loves [insert name of man that she met at Hollister last week, but doesn't know his last name yet], but feels like he's never going to love her back, like really love her back. By the time you get to 30, the people that are around this girl every time this happens are pretty sick and tired of it. They would much rather be with the 30-year old drunk across the bar who's telling everyone in sight that she loves them and ordering everyone to do "I love you this much" shots.
5.) Sleeping around. So, in your 20's, it can be ok to have seen too many episodes of Sex and the City/Entourage and think of yourself as a liberated feminist/playboy that chews up men/women and spits them out on their "You'll call me, right?" face. But, when you hit 30, and people seem to be coupling up and settling down and popping out kids, then waiting till closing time every weekend to see whom you can bring home should make you feel a little bit washed-up. If it's not, you may want to re-watch Sex and the City 2 and Entourage Season 8, and then see how you feel.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Don't Do Any of This Stuff
With the holidays coming up, I'm sure a lot of you will be traveling somewhere by plane. On a recent trip to California with my sister, Stacy, I made every airport-related mistake that exists in the known universe, short of forgetting to empty my pockets and then saying the word "bomb" in the security line. Just so you don't make the same mistakes that I made, I decided to give you some Travel Don'ts (Don't's?) for the holiday season.
1.) Don't forget that you have to actually travel to the airport.
None of us live at the airport. As someone who likes to plan ahead, I decided to look at the Logan Airport website to see what time they recommend that you arrive at the airport. They say during peak times, you should leave yourself at least two hours. Luckily, my flight was leaving at 10:30, which meant I would be arriving at the airport at an off-peak time. To give myself some extra time, I decided to be there by 8:30. And here's where I made the mistake. Just because you're arriving at the airport at an off-peak time, doesn't mean that you'll be driving there during an off-peak time. By forgetting this simple math, I ended up being one of those people who have to cut the line in security and then run through the airport with all of their bags a la Home Alone, barely making it to the gate on time. Speaking of security...
2.) Don't wear shiny sweaters.
We all know that in this post-9/11 world, you will most likely have to stand in a full-body scanner which shows every little anomaly on your body on a big computer screen. Sometimes if you're holding your passport in your hands, the passport will show up. Sometimes it'll pick up your bra clasp, or your shoe buckle or something. The TSA person usually pats that area and sends you on your way. While dressing for my trip to CA, I decided that I should probably dress in layers. And, the layer that I picked was a metallic cardigan. I went through the scanner. My image showed up on the screen. The TSA guard breathed, "Holy sh..." My entire computer-imaged torso was covered with green, blue and yellow dots. There was a moment of silence as I looked at the TSA people. They looked at me. Just before they were about to body slam me to the ground, I yelled out, "It's the sweater! It's the sweater!" And after I removed the sweater, luckily, my scan showed clean. Which leads me to...
3.) Don't expect airport people to know what they're doing
I'm betting that I wasn't the first metallically robed person to go through the scanner. Yet what would have happened if I hadn't pointed out that my sweater was the likely culprit of perceived terrorism? Would I be writing you from the "big house"? Why didn't anyone think to mention, "hey, you should probably put your sweater on the belt?" Once I was scanned, why was the first conclusion, "she must be carrying millions of tiny, little bombs on her upper half", rather than "her sweater is shiny"? As for other things that don't know what they're doing...
4.) Don't rely on the rental car's GPS.
On our way home, we were flying out of San Francisco Airport. As we were staying in Oakland, we figured that it would only be about 20-30 mins drive. We plugged it in the GPS which gave us a travel time of one hour and 15 minutes. We were very confused. So, we plugged in the airport again. Same thing happened. Making excuses, like "Oh it's probably one of those magic GPS's that knows the traffic conditions" and "Well, I haven't really stepped on the gas yet, so maybe it thinks we're going to drive 3 mph the whole way", we decided to just drive where it told us and hope for the best. As we got on the freeway, heading south, Stacy and I were both thinking, "We're probably not going the right way" but we drove on. After about 45 minutes of driving, it dawned on me that even though I had typed in San Francisco Airport, and the GPS read San Francisco Airport, it was sending me to the San Jose Airport. We quickly did a U-turn (...meaning we got off the exit, took a left, crossed a bridge, and got back on the highway) and barely made it to the airport in time for our version of Home Alone 2. Of course, we didn't have time to buy snacks for the plane ride home, which brings me to Don't #5...
5.) Don't leave so little time before boarding that you can't buy snacks.
Back in the olden days, airlines served lunch and/or dinner. (And, yes, we also flew upwind both ways.) Nowadays, you can buy your lunch and/or dinner. Not that airline meals were anything to burst into song about before, but they were actually much more substantial back then when they were free. Now, the "meal" is equivalent to a Lunchable. And not the big box with the dessert kind. So, if you are on a long flight with only complimentary snacks and soft drinks and you haven't brought snacks, you will starve. That may sound dramatic, but it's true.
And so, readers, learn from my mistakes...and have a happy and well-traveled holiday season.
1.) Don't forget that you have to actually travel to the airport.
None of us live at the airport. As someone who likes to plan ahead, I decided to look at the Logan Airport website to see what time they recommend that you arrive at the airport. They say during peak times, you should leave yourself at least two hours. Luckily, my flight was leaving at 10:30, which meant I would be arriving at the airport at an off-peak time. To give myself some extra time, I decided to be there by 8:30. And here's where I made the mistake. Just because you're arriving at the airport at an off-peak time, doesn't mean that you'll be driving there during an off-peak time. By forgetting this simple math, I ended up being one of those people who have to cut the line in security and then run through the airport with all of their bags a la Home Alone, barely making it to the gate on time. Speaking of security...
2.) Don't wear shiny sweaters.
We all know that in this post-9/11 world, you will most likely have to stand in a full-body scanner which shows every little anomaly on your body on a big computer screen. Sometimes if you're holding your passport in your hands, the passport will show up. Sometimes it'll pick up your bra clasp, or your shoe buckle or something. The TSA person usually pats that area and sends you on your way. While dressing for my trip to CA, I decided that I should probably dress in layers. And, the layer that I picked was a metallic cardigan. I went through the scanner. My image showed up on the screen. The TSA guard breathed, "Holy sh..." My entire computer-imaged torso was covered with green, blue and yellow dots. There was a moment of silence as I looked at the TSA people. They looked at me. Just before they were about to body slam me to the ground, I yelled out, "It's the sweater! It's the sweater!" And after I removed the sweater, luckily, my scan showed clean. Which leads me to...
3.) Don't expect airport people to know what they're doing
I'm betting that I wasn't the first metallically robed person to go through the scanner. Yet what would have happened if I hadn't pointed out that my sweater was the likely culprit of perceived terrorism? Would I be writing you from the "big house"? Why didn't anyone think to mention, "hey, you should probably put your sweater on the belt?" Once I was scanned, why was the first conclusion, "she must be carrying millions of tiny, little bombs on her upper half", rather than "her sweater is shiny"? As for other things that don't know what they're doing...
4.) Don't rely on the rental car's GPS.
On our way home, we were flying out of San Francisco Airport. As we were staying in Oakland, we figured that it would only be about 20-30 mins drive. We plugged it in the GPS which gave us a travel time of one hour and 15 minutes. We were very confused. So, we plugged in the airport again. Same thing happened. Making excuses, like "Oh it's probably one of those magic GPS's that knows the traffic conditions" and "Well, I haven't really stepped on the gas yet, so maybe it thinks we're going to drive 3 mph the whole way", we decided to just drive where it told us and hope for the best. As we got on the freeway, heading south, Stacy and I were both thinking, "We're probably not going the right way" but we drove on. After about 45 minutes of driving, it dawned on me that even though I had typed in San Francisco Airport, and the GPS read San Francisco Airport, it was sending me to the San Jose Airport. We quickly did a U-turn (...meaning we got off the exit, took a left, crossed a bridge, and got back on the highway) and barely made it to the airport in time for our version of Home Alone 2. Of course, we didn't have time to buy snacks for the plane ride home, which brings me to Don't #5...
5.) Don't leave so little time before boarding that you can't buy snacks.
Back in the olden days, airlines served lunch and/or dinner. (And, yes, we also flew upwind both ways.) Nowadays, you can buy your lunch and/or dinner. Not that airline meals were anything to burst into song about before, but they were actually much more substantial back then when they were free. Now, the "meal" is equivalent to a Lunchable. And not the big box with the dessert kind. So, if you are on a long flight with only complimentary snacks and soft drinks and you haven't brought snacks, you will starve. That may sound dramatic, but it's true.
And so, readers, learn from my mistakes...and have a happy and well-traveled holiday season.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Making Sexy Costumes and Costumes Sexy
Every Halloween, a woman is faced with a difficult decision. Does she go for the funny, topical costume (i.e., binders full of a woman, an unimpressed McKayla Maroney, a Hillary Clinton meme)? Or does she go for sexy? I usually choose an un-sexy costume only because I feel like I'm trying too hard every time I don fishnets. Did you ever really think about the sexy costumes out there and what makes them sexy? Some of them aren't based on anything remotely sexy. Who was the first person to think if I cut the midriff out of a police uniform and wear short shorts, I could be a sexy police officer. Really the only recipe for a sexy costume is to add a teaspoon of clothing, a pair of thigh highs and mix well. I'm sure most sexy costume ideas are based on the typical male fantasy. However, when you really think about fantasies and realities, they almost never resemble each other. Anyway, here is my list of sexy costumes that really shouldn't be sexy:
1.) Prostitute- The lazy sexy costume. For some reason, when a girl thinks of a sexy costume, she automatically thinks hooker. It's true that out of all the professions hookers wear the least clothing. But, for a sex-based career choice, the prostitute is not very sexy. The first thing that I think about is venereal disease. That's not sexy...unless you're Joey Tribbiani.
2.) Bunnies- Why did Playboy choose a bunny as their icon? Yes, the tails are cute...ears, not so much. But, bunnies, if you think about it are like squirrels. They're little rodent-like annoying pests that ruin your garden. They suffer from fly strike. FLY STRIKE. This means that actual flies lay actual eggs on bunnies that become actual crawling maggots. This is our idea of sexy?
3.) Nurse- Now, I know many sexy nurses, but what they do at work...not so sexy. Do you know what a sponge bath is cleaning off? Poop...mostly poop.
4.) Maids- Along the same vein, a maid does not have a sexy job. I do know that, like nurses, the reason a maid costume became hot is because of the fantasy that there's a woman in a short skirt taking care of you and doing your bidding. Guys like that idea. But, when is the last time that you saw a maid in anything but a polyester shift or mom jeans and a Champion sweatshirt?
5.) Bees- What is sexy about an insect that carries flower sperm, buzzes around your head, and stabs you? Plus, I can't see a bee costume without conjuring up this sad image from the Blind Melon video.
So, while I might sound cranky about these so-called sexy costumes, I do love Halloween, and I'm glad that it exists because it's fun to watch people dress up. I just think that women are inherently sexy. It doesn't take much to turn a man on...really. So, don't overdo it. Try being a librarian or a baseball player. I've heard it through the male-vine that the sexiest thing about a woman is when she doesn't know that she's sexy. Am I right, One Direction?
1.) Prostitute- The lazy sexy costume. For some reason, when a girl thinks of a sexy costume, she automatically thinks hooker. It's true that out of all the professions hookers wear the least clothing. But, for a sex-based career choice, the prostitute is not very sexy. The first thing that I think about is venereal disease. That's not sexy...unless you're Joey Tribbiani.
2.) Bunnies- Why did Playboy choose a bunny as their icon? Yes, the tails are cute...ears, not so much. But, bunnies, if you think about it are like squirrels. They're little rodent-like annoying pests that ruin your garden. They suffer from fly strike. FLY STRIKE. This means that actual flies lay actual eggs on bunnies that become actual crawling maggots. This is our idea of sexy?
3.) Nurse- Now, I know many sexy nurses, but what they do at work...not so sexy. Do you know what a sponge bath is cleaning off? Poop...mostly poop.
4.) Maids- Along the same vein, a maid does not have a sexy job. I do know that, like nurses, the reason a maid costume became hot is because of the fantasy that there's a woman in a short skirt taking care of you and doing your bidding. Guys like that idea. But, when is the last time that you saw a maid in anything but a polyester shift or mom jeans and a Champion sweatshirt?
5.) Bees- What is sexy about an insect that carries flower sperm, buzzes around your head, and stabs you? Plus, I can't see a bee costume without conjuring up this sad image from the Blind Melon video.
So, while I might sound cranky about these so-called sexy costumes, I do love Halloween, and I'm glad that it exists because it's fun to watch people dress up. I just think that women are inherently sexy. It doesn't take much to turn a man on...really. So, don't overdo it. Try being a librarian or a baseball player. I've heard it through the male-vine that the sexiest thing about a woman is when she doesn't know that she's sexy. Am I right, One Direction?
Friday, October 19, 2012
Online Dating 101
I received a barking text from Crazy Pete yesterday that
just said “More blog posts!!” So, without further ado…
I’ve been an observer and participant in the online dating
world for a while now. I’m always surprised at certain things that people put
in their profile that they believe will attract a mate. I alluded to it a bit
here when I talked about shirtless pictures self-taken in bathroom mirrors and
starting out your profile with “I can’t believe that I’m online dating”, but I
wanted to add a bit more as I consider myself quite knowledgeable in this
field. [Note: This will be all about men
for the simple reason that I don’t see a lot of women’s online dating profiles.
I know from what I’ve picked up from the guys that women should not make “duckfaces”
or post pictures from 1999. But, that’s where my knowledge on the subject
ends.]
WHAT NOT TO PUT ON
YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:
1.)
Only
Webcam photos. I’ve seen a couple of profiles where the guy has two or
three pictures. And they’re all taken in front of his computer by his webcam.
Sometimes he varies them by putting on a different sweatshirt, or smiling in
one but giving a “come hither” look in the other. Guys, as women, we can tell that they’re
webcam photos and were probably taken on the same day. It leads us to one of
two conclusions that are not necessarily mutually exclusive: A) this is a temporary profile that you just
put up to talk to some women because you’re lonely or married or both, but you
don’t have any intention of actually following through with an actual date or
B) you’ve never been outside.
2.)
Incoherent
sentences. I actually saw this the other day: “drp
me a line if you be prety well hav fun”. What woman in her right mind would
respond to this? I’ve been nosing around
enough on the internet to realize that people have a serious problem figuring out the
difference between “your” and “you’re”. I can accept that. But, this is just
lazy. Do you even TRY to speak English?
3.)
“I’d like
to find someone who is accepting of the fact that I have a primary partner”. This one, I actually think SHOULD go in your
profile because it’s honest. But, I added it to this list because it’s the only
entry on my list regarding why you shouldn’t have an online dating profile.
4.)
Pictures of you wearing a watermelon rind like a helmet. I won’t post it on the blog because I want to respect his
privacy. But, believe me when
I say, there is a profile on match.com where this picture exists, and it is his
primary photo.
5.)
This. I copied this
one word for word (spelling errors included) because my paraphrasing won’t do
it justice: “Hi there. I'm looking for a beatiful sexy girl who isn't snobby or
bitchy like my ex. I understand that all women will get that way sometime but
not all time, ok? If you are a carring person who wants a loving, passionate
lover, than I'm the guy for you. I'd love to go out to a Japanese restaurant
with you. I shouldn't even be single right now, I've just been busy with work
and I don't enjoy shopping at the bar. If you love Barrack, don't bother
contacting me, otherwise I look forward to meeting you. Bye.” My favorite part
of this is the random throw in of “going to a Japanese restaurant”. What was
the thought process behind that? Hmmm, I’ve
been talking a lot about myself and sex, I should add in something about what I’ll do
for her. What do women like to do? They seem to like sushi.
My advice for what you should put in your online dating
profile: Just be funny, sincere and yourself. If we end up dating some day,
realize that we’ll have to meet in person. And I’ll know right away that you’re
not really 35 years old or 6’2. The first time I go to your house, give me some
credit. It’s quite easy to see if you live with your parents and not alone in
a four-bedroom house as you originally said. Don’t start the relationship off
with a lie. I would much rather go out with YOU, and not the person that you’ve
built yourself up to be, and I'm sure most women agree.
UPDATE:
I received this message in my inbox after I posted this and had to share:
UPDATE:
I received this message in my inbox after I posted this and had to share:
I really enjoyed your latest blog. It got me to thinking about what mine
would like if I was completely truthful and would anyone respond.
“Hi there. I’ve been married for 27 years and my wife
is my best friend and audience. I’m just shy of 55, but I act like
I’m 25. In my mind I think most people think I’m a lot younger than I
really am, but it’s probably due to my behavior more than my looks. I’m a
registered Republican and a recent online survey put me to the right of the Tea
Party but I recycle, make my own compost and have a large garden. I’m
pro-choice and in fact I’m in favor of more women having more abortions given
the number of losers having children they can’t afford and don’t know how to
raise. I’m a member of the NRA but I only own two revolvers and a
shotgun. I rarely go shooting. I subscribe to three
magazines: National Geographic, American Rifleman and Organic Gardening.
I read the NY Times and the Boston Globe daily because I think it’s important
to understand what the other side is thinking. Occasionally I write comments
to the newspapers under the pseudonym Divya Mush. You’ll need to meet me
in person to understand what’s behind that moniker. I dislike crowds not
because of agoraphobia but because I have low tolerance for ignorant fools who
don’t follow the rules of good behavior. I’m also a little paranoid, but
not in a right wing terrorist way. Some people think I look like a cop or
ex-military. I’m not a “joiner” or a good team player so the military
would not be a good fit for me. I’m also not very good at taking orders
from a-holes getting up in my face. As far as the police are concerned
I’m not a fan. I know too many jerk offs from high school who are
cops. I didn’t respect them then and I sure as hell don’t respect them
now. I prefer the company of women, but not because I want to get
laid, I just find them more interesting. Good looks are a plus but not a
deal breaker. The real litmus test is brains. If you have them
you’re on my short list. At this stage in my life youth has its own
cachet. If you are anything like me I’m probably not interested. I
wouldn’t want to hang out with me, but then again you’re not me. Finally,
I’m really good at holding grudges. If you screw me you’re done.
I’d rather not speak to someone ever again than to sit through an apology.
Your f-ck up will always be in the back of my mind and that can be hard
on a relationship.”
Think this would get any responses?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
The Importance of Being Punctual
Punctuality is an interesting thing. There are some people that don't mind when others are late and others who count it as their number one pet peeve. I think that a lot of it has to do with how late someone is. If you're waiting for the person for five minutes and they're most likely stuck in traffic and you're just kind of chilling at the bar while you wait, you're probably less irritated than, say, if you've been waiting for an hour on the street in front of the bar and they have no excuse and you start to get into the "Maybe they're not going to show up" frame of mind and begin to think that every one must be looking out of their office or apartment window thinking "oh, that poor girl. She's being stood up" and asking their co-worker or roommate, "is she still out there" every ten minutes, and the co-worker or roommate is saying "Yes" with a frown and "Maybe we should bring her some soup or tea or something" and...well, you know.
So, I decided to make a list of when it's ok to be late and when it's absolutely not. Let's start with...
WHEN IT'S OK TO BE LATE
1.) To your Wedding. This is the most perfect time to be late. It's already termed as "your day". You are supposed to make a grand entrance. And NOBODY can or will ever get mad at you. In fact, if and when the day comes for me, I'm planning on walking down the aisle whenever I'm damn ready. You might as well take advantage of it while you can and you can always blame it on the bridesmaids.
2.) Rock Concerts. It's kind of an unspoken rule that you straggle in to concerts. Everyone learns this lesson the hard way. You want to catch the opening band, so you get there right as the door opens. Then, you stand there, alone, in front of the stage. And when the opening band comes out, you feel awkward because it's almost like they're singing to you, since you're the only one there, but you feel rude walking away. So, you just kind of stand there and gaze at them, and sip your beer, occasionally nodding your head to the music because it gives you a chance to avert your eyes.
3.) To the Party. There's nothing wrong with this. As long as you actually get to the party. I bought a cell phone, got cable, read Harry Potter, started drinking, got my drivers' license at least five years after everybody else did. But, the important thing is that I got there.
4.) When you're already late. Look, if you're already going to disrupt the event or walk into the office after 9 a.m., you might as well make it fashionable and not walk in all frenzied.
WHEN IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOT OK TO BE LATE
1.) To Someone Else's Wedding. My mother's nightmare, which she has instilled in me by incessant nagging, is to get to a wedding at the same time that the bride is walking down the aisle. First of all, the bride is disappointed that you've already seen her in her dress and have missed the above-referenced grand entrance. Plus, when you walk in late, you feel really self-conscious as it is...then you add silence, hardwood floors, and heels. And then your mom gives you that "I'm so disappointed in you" look. That last one might just be me.
2.) Surprise Parties. Similar to the wedding scenario, my mother will get equally upset with you if you walk into a surprise party at the same time as the person who's being surprised. They see you in the parking lot, then they see some familiar cars, and they piece it all together before they get inside. And all that hard work that the party planner put into it is ruined because you couldn't get your act together...or so I've heard.
3.) Plays. Don't you hate those people that get to the theater after the curtain goes up? The usher with the flashlight is distracting. Your view is blocked by the people standing up to let them through to their seat. If they're in your row, they almost always step on your foot or knock over your things. Don't be those people.
4.) When You're Dating This Girl. As more and more people read this blog, they begin to share their own horror dating stories (which I love, so if you have any...send my way!). My cousin told me about a time when he was set up with a girl by a mutual friend of theirs. Some of this may be paraphrased, but here's the gist of the story. They had planned to go out to lunch. That morning, my cousin's errands took him a little longer than he expected, so he texted the girl and asked her if they could move the date from noon to 1 p.m. She texted back "sure". My cousin showed up to her place around 1:07 p.m. She came out of her house with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face. After a few minutes of awkward silence following the "nice to meet you"s, my cousin asked her if something was wrong. She asked him, "What did you have to do this morning?" And my cousin said, "I just had a couple of things to do." And she responded, "You know what? I don't feel very comfortable going out now. I thought you had something important to do and that's why you were late." And with that, she turned around and went back into the house, leaving my cousin in the driveway. No word on whether there was a second date.
So, I decided to make a list of when it's ok to be late and when it's absolutely not. Let's start with...
WHEN IT'S OK TO BE LATE
1.) To your Wedding. This is the most perfect time to be late. It's already termed as "your day". You are supposed to make a grand entrance. And NOBODY can or will ever get mad at you. In fact, if and when the day comes for me, I'm planning on walking down the aisle whenever I'm damn ready. You might as well take advantage of it while you can and you can always blame it on the bridesmaids.
2.) Rock Concerts. It's kind of an unspoken rule that you straggle in to concerts. Everyone learns this lesson the hard way. You want to catch the opening band, so you get there right as the door opens. Then, you stand there, alone, in front of the stage. And when the opening band comes out, you feel awkward because it's almost like they're singing to you, since you're the only one there, but you feel rude walking away. So, you just kind of stand there and gaze at them, and sip your beer, occasionally nodding your head to the music because it gives you a chance to avert your eyes.
3.) To the Party. There's nothing wrong with this. As long as you actually get to the party. I bought a cell phone, got cable, read Harry Potter, started drinking, got my drivers' license at least five years after everybody else did. But, the important thing is that I got there.
4.) When you're already late. Look, if you're already going to disrupt the event or walk into the office after 9 a.m., you might as well make it fashionable and not walk in all frenzied.
WHEN IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOT OK TO BE LATE
1.) To Someone Else's Wedding. My mother's nightmare, which she has instilled in me by incessant nagging, is to get to a wedding at the same time that the bride is walking down the aisle. First of all, the bride is disappointed that you've already seen her in her dress and have missed the above-referenced grand entrance. Plus, when you walk in late, you feel really self-conscious as it is...then you add silence, hardwood floors, and heels. And then your mom gives you that "I'm so disappointed in you" look. That last one might just be me.
2.) Surprise Parties. Similar to the wedding scenario, my mother will get equally upset with you if you walk into a surprise party at the same time as the person who's being surprised. They see you in the parking lot, then they see some familiar cars, and they piece it all together before they get inside. And all that hard work that the party planner put into it is ruined because you couldn't get your act together...or so I've heard.
3.) Plays. Don't you hate those people that get to the theater after the curtain goes up? The usher with the flashlight is distracting. Your view is blocked by the people standing up to let them through to their seat. If they're in your row, they almost always step on your foot or knock over your things. Don't be those people.
4.) When You're Dating This Girl. As more and more people read this blog, they begin to share their own horror dating stories (which I love, so if you have any...send my way!). My cousin told me about a time when he was set up with a girl by a mutual friend of theirs. Some of this may be paraphrased, but here's the gist of the story. They had planned to go out to lunch. That morning, my cousin's errands took him a little longer than he expected, so he texted the girl and asked her if they could move the date from noon to 1 p.m. She texted back "sure". My cousin showed up to her place around 1:07 p.m. She came out of her house with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face. After a few minutes of awkward silence following the "nice to meet you"s, my cousin asked her if something was wrong. She asked him, "What did you have to do this morning?" And my cousin said, "I just had a couple of things to do." And she responded, "You know what? I don't feel very comfortable going out now. I thought you had something important to do and that's why you were late." And with that, she turned around and went back into the house, leaving my cousin in the driveway. No word on whether there was a second date.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Drivers be Driving me Crazy
It's time to get real. I'm not a violent person, by any means. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and easy going most of the time. The one exception is when I'm driving. Being from Massachusetts, we have a reputation for driving like "massholes". However, whether you're a courteous driver or not, there are certain implied rules of the road that everyone behind the wheel should follow. When someone breaks one of those rules, I can't help myself...I want to punch them in the face. So here are the driving habits of others that make me want to drive off a cliff:
1.) Being bad at merging. Some of the items in this list fall under the category of having no common sense and some of them fall under the category of being an asshole. This one is an example of having no common sense. I'm writing you from the land of the never-ending story, the Big Dig (Bastian, call my name!!). Merging, in general, is pretty easy. You go with the flow of traffic, and find a space to fit in.When your lane closes due to construction, you follow it to the end and then you file in line, every other car. You do NOT slam on your brakes and try to squeeze yourself into a stopped lane of traffic. Because that equals two stopped lanes of traffic. And 400 desperate drivers in need of Falcor.
2.) Cutting in line/Breakdown lane travel. Clearly, this is in the category of being an asshole. You know the situation. You're in line to get off an exit, or take a turn, and here comes some jerkface (probably in a BMW) who flies past everyone and cuts in front of some unassuming weak link (probably in a Prius) up at the front of the line. The self-entitled attitude of these people is astounding. We're going back to kindergarten law here-as Mrs. Buckley taught me, you wait your turn. Out of all the people on this list that I want to punch in the face, this douche is at the top.
3.) Business in the fast lane. Look, I understand that there are people that like to conduct their business (i.e., check their morning e-mail, put on lipstick, make their follow-up calls, read the paper, mix a smoothie, whatever) in the car on the way to work. I'm not opposed to that, as long as they stay out of my way. The fast lane is for the driving people. While I'm on the subject of the fast lane...
4.) Left-lane hogs. What is wrong with these people? If there is enough space between you and the car in front of you to hold an entire Macy's Day Parade, and there are at least 13 cars behind you, riding each other's bumper like there are magnets attached...then you know, move over.
5.) RAIN!! DRIVE FOR YOUR LIVES!!! Here in Mass, we drive in the snow. It's dangerous. It's slippery. If you don't have four-wheel drive, it can be scary. We drive slowly in the snow. However, this doesn't mean that we have to drive slowly in all precipitation. If it's not raining hard enough to make the road wet, then you can go normal speed--no need to call FEMA.
6.) Drive-thru know-how. This one's probably just me. I cannot stand when you're in the drive-thru line and the person in front of you hasn't pulled up right behind the car in front of it, meaning you can't be in front of the intercom. I feel stupid enough talking into a rectangle box decorated with pictures of food. Craning your neck and yelling at the top of your lungs to a rectangle box decorated with pictures of food makes it so so much worse.
7.) Unnecessary honking. We've all been there. You're sitting in traffic that just isn't moving. Maybe there's an accident. Maybe there's a traffic light delay. Maybe there's a flock of geese crossing the road. Whatever. If there is more than one person in front of you who's not moving, odds are there is something in their way. Laying out on your horn will not "blast" the obstacle out of the way, no matter how long you honk. Stop trying.
8.) Premature pull-outs. I drive down this street in Braintree almost every morning on my way to work and there are tons of side streets that enter into it. Almost every morning, the same thing happens. There is no one behind me. I'm zipping down at a good clip and I think I'm in great shape to make it to work on time. Then, someone, instead of waiting for me to pass before turning onto the street, feels as though it's now or never and pulls out in front of me. I may have tolerance for this if they speed up afterwards. They probably would have been tailgating me anyway. But, typically, without fail, this premature evacuater drives about 15 mph all the way to the highway.
9.) The Brake-happy Bunch. Nothing makes me want to bang my head against the windshield more than people who overuse their brakes, like the ones who stop at green arrows. There are times when brakes are good: red lights, stop signs, squirrels, etc. But, green means brakes are bad. Along the same lines, if you're already ten miles under the speed limit when you're driving down the highway, there's no need to brake when you see a state trooper. He's not going to pull you over, except maybe for being a dumbass.
1.) Being bad at merging. Some of the items in this list fall under the category of having no common sense and some of them fall under the category of being an asshole. This one is an example of having no common sense. I'm writing you from the land of the never-ending story, the Big Dig (Bastian, call my name!!). Merging, in general, is pretty easy. You go with the flow of traffic, and find a space to fit in.When your lane closes due to construction, you follow it to the end and then you file in line, every other car. You do NOT slam on your brakes and try to squeeze yourself into a stopped lane of traffic. Because that equals two stopped lanes of traffic. And 400 desperate drivers in need of Falcor.
2.) Cutting in line/Breakdown lane travel. Clearly, this is in the category of being an asshole. You know the situation. You're in line to get off an exit, or take a turn, and here comes some jerkface (probably in a BMW) who flies past everyone and cuts in front of some unassuming weak link (probably in a Prius) up at the front of the line. The self-entitled attitude of these people is astounding. We're going back to kindergarten law here-as Mrs. Buckley taught me, you wait your turn. Out of all the people on this list that I want to punch in the face, this douche is at the top.
3.) Business in the fast lane. Look, I understand that there are people that like to conduct their business (i.e., check their morning e-mail, put on lipstick, make their follow-up calls, read the paper, mix a smoothie, whatever) in the car on the way to work. I'm not opposed to that, as long as they stay out of my way. The fast lane is for the driving people. While I'm on the subject of the fast lane...
4.) Left-lane hogs. What is wrong with these people? If there is enough space between you and the car in front of you to hold an entire Macy's Day Parade, and there are at least 13 cars behind you, riding each other's bumper like there are magnets attached...then you know, move over.
5.) RAIN!! DRIVE FOR YOUR LIVES!!! Here in Mass, we drive in the snow. It's dangerous. It's slippery. If you don't have four-wheel drive, it can be scary. We drive slowly in the snow. However, this doesn't mean that we have to drive slowly in all precipitation. If it's not raining hard enough to make the road wet, then you can go normal speed--no need to call FEMA.
6.) Drive-thru know-how. This one's probably just me. I cannot stand when you're in the drive-thru line and the person in front of you hasn't pulled up right behind the car in front of it, meaning you can't be in front of the intercom. I feel stupid enough talking into a rectangle box decorated with pictures of food. Craning your neck and yelling at the top of your lungs to a rectangle box decorated with pictures of food makes it so so much worse.
7.) Unnecessary honking. We've all been there. You're sitting in traffic that just isn't moving. Maybe there's an accident. Maybe there's a traffic light delay. Maybe there's a flock of geese crossing the road. Whatever. If there is more than one person in front of you who's not moving, odds are there is something in their way. Laying out on your horn will not "blast" the obstacle out of the way, no matter how long you honk. Stop trying.
8.) Premature pull-outs. I drive down this street in Braintree almost every morning on my way to work and there are tons of side streets that enter into it. Almost every morning, the same thing happens. There is no one behind me. I'm zipping down at a good clip and I think I'm in great shape to make it to work on time. Then, someone, instead of waiting for me to pass before turning onto the street, feels as though it's now or never and pulls out in front of me. I may have tolerance for this if they speed up afterwards. They probably would have been tailgating me anyway. But, typically, without fail, this premature evacuater drives about 15 mph all the way to the highway.
9.) The Brake-happy Bunch. Nothing makes me want to bang my head against the windshield more than people who overuse their brakes, like the ones who stop at green arrows. There are times when brakes are good: red lights, stop signs, squirrels, etc. But, green means brakes are bad. Along the same lines, if you're already ten miles under the speed limit when you're driving down the highway, there's no need to brake when you see a state trooper. He's not going to pull you over, except maybe for being a dumbass.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Conversations with friends
One of the traits that I admire in others is a sense of humor and as a result, my friends are all hilarious. I was also lucky enough to inherit a sense of humor from my parents. I frequently take note of our conversations so that I can remember them later. Here are a few of my favorites (mixed in with some that were not meant to be funny, but surprised us).
1. Ants and Cockroaches
Me: Do you think it's weird that when I kill ants, I always leave one alive so that he can go back and tell the other ants not to come in my apartment?
Friend: You're talking to a guy who once put a cockroach's head on a toothpick to let it be a warning to all of the other cockroaches.
2. Yay for Monday!
Me: I've had a couple of beers tonight, sorry if I'm not making sense.
Friend: Good for you! What's the occasion?
Me: Monday
3. The Truth about Melly
Me: I feel like I always get the last word in my arguments.
Friend: That's because you argue to the point that the other person thinks, "Ok, so it's either let it go or get arrested for second degree murder..."
4. Tomato/To-mah-to
Friend: We're invited to a homecoming party on Sunday
Me: A homecoming party?
Friend: Yep
Me: A HOMECOMING party???
Friend: (a little less sure of himself) Yep.
Me: Are these people in high school?
Friend: (confused) Nope.
Me: Are you sure that it's not a housewarming party.
Friend: ohhhhhhhh....
5. Good Question
Mom: Do you think that cannibals keep kosher? Like, there's probably a difference between eating someone who just had bacon vs. like, an orthodox rabbi, right?
6. What happens when two deaf people talk to each other
Mom: How was your date?
Me: It was good. I like him. I'm not sure about a future though. He has four kids.
Mom: Ew, he has blackheads?
Me: No, FOUR kids...but why would I care if he had black kids?
Mom: I don't know...it's kind of gross, isn't it?
Me: You have black kids.
Mom: I DO????
7. Eating Habits.
Me: I haven't been to the grocery store since March 2009
Friend: What?? How do you get food?
Me: I'm out to eat all the time, I go to my parents' house, things like that.
Friend: Where do you get your chips and snacks and stuff?
Me: Uh, the liquor store?
1. Ants and Cockroaches
Me: Do you think it's weird that when I kill ants, I always leave one alive so that he can go back and tell the other ants not to come in my apartment?
Friend: You're talking to a guy who once put a cockroach's head on a toothpick to let it be a warning to all of the other cockroaches.
2. Yay for Monday!
Me: I've had a couple of beers tonight, sorry if I'm not making sense.
Friend: Good for you! What's the occasion?
Me: Monday
3. The Truth about Melly
Me: I feel like I always get the last word in my arguments.
Friend: That's because you argue to the point that the other person thinks, "Ok, so it's either let it go or get arrested for second degree murder..."
4. Tomato/To-mah-to
Friend: We're invited to a homecoming party on Sunday
Me: A homecoming party?
Friend: Yep
Me: A HOMECOMING party???
Friend: (a little less sure of himself) Yep.
Me: Are these people in high school?
Friend: (confused) Nope.
Me: Are you sure that it's not a housewarming party.
Friend: ohhhhhhhh....
5. Good Question
Mom: Do you think that cannibals keep kosher? Like, there's probably a difference between eating someone who just had bacon vs. like, an orthodox rabbi, right?
6. What happens when two deaf people talk to each other
Mom: How was your date?
Me: It was good. I like him. I'm not sure about a future though. He has four kids.
Mom: Ew, he has blackheads?
Me: No, FOUR kids...but why would I care if he had black kids?
Mom: I don't know...it's kind of gross, isn't it?
Me: You have black kids.
Mom: I DO????
7. Eating Habits.
Me: I haven't been to the grocery store since March 2009
Friend: What?? How do you get food?
Me: I'm out to eat all the time, I go to my parents' house, things like that.
Friend: Where do you get your chips and snacks and stuff?
Me: Uh, the liquor store?
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Judging with Judgy Judges
Yesterday's post prompted a debate with a friend of mine regarding whether blogging about dating will deter men from asking me out. From his perspective, if my potential date knew that I would be analyzing him the whole time, ready to write my review later that night, he wouldn't want to take me out for fear of being judged like that. I jokingly responded that no one cares about the good dates; it's the bad ones that are fun to hear about and I'll never see those guys again anyway. However, after more reflection, I realized that if I'm writing about my life, I will be writing about the people in it, including the person that I'm seeing.
Which led me to... why should that be a bad thing? That's what we do on dates...we judge. We shake each other's hand or give each other a hug and then sit down and size each other up. Men and women may have different methods of analysis. She's asking herself, "Does he seem like he'd be good with kids? Would he get along with my family? Is he a romantic? A good kisser?" He's asking himself, "Will my friends think she's hot?" and "How long will it take me to get her out of her pants?" But, we're both doing the judging. I'm just being vocal about it.
And that's not necessarily a bad thing. The type of man that I will ultimately end up with is someone who's kind, intelligent, funny and caring; in other words, the type of man that I'd want to tell the world about. If that's who you are, why wouldn't you want the general public to know about you?
But, just in case you're worried about being painted in a bad light, here's a list of the type of men that I would probably say judgy things about:
Which led me to... why should that be a bad thing? That's what we do on dates...we judge. We shake each other's hand or give each other a hug and then sit down and size each other up. Men and women may have different methods of analysis. She's asking herself, "Does he seem like he'd be good with kids? Would he get along with my family? Is he a romantic? A good kisser?" He's asking himself, "Will my friends think she's hot?" and "How long will it take me to get her out of her pants?" But, we're both doing the judging. I'm just being vocal about it.
And that's not necessarily a bad thing. The type of man that I will ultimately end up with is someone who's kind, intelligent, funny and caring; in other words, the type of man that I'd want to tell the world about. If that's who you are, why wouldn't you want the general public to know about you?
But, just in case you're worried about being painted in a bad light, here's a list of the type of men that I would probably say judgy things about:
1.) Men who spell "cool" with a "k". As in "kool" or, even worse, "kewl". This comes up in text conversations and drives me bananas.
2.) Men who take shirtless pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors. You know how sometimes men say that it's better if women dress to "leave something for the imagination"? Yeah, we feel that way too.
3.) Men who start their online dating profiles with "I can't believe that I'm online dating...". If you can't believe that you're online dating, then what are you saying about me, who doesn't see anything wrong with it? And why are you even on there in the first place? Man up! This also applies to the headlines "Let's tell people we met in a grocery store" and "My friend/sister/brother/cousin/boss/dog/other put me up to this."
4.) Men who make fun of other men wearing pink shirts. There are straight men who look great in pink shirts. Deal with it. I may begin questioning your sexuality if you make a comment about another man's sexuality based on his choice of button-down color.
5.) Men in sweater vests. I realize that this is my own personal taste and there are women out there, like my sister, Lori [Note to Lori: I told you I'd work you in here somehow] who love men in sweater vests. But, unless you're in Boyz II Men, I'm not a fan.
6.) Men who wear bluetooth in their ear around the home or office or at McDonald's. Yes, I said McDonald's. These men exist.
7.) Men who walk with their palms facing backward...gorilla style. We don't get a lot of these in New England due to our lack of muscle beaches. But, whenever I see this, I get curious and when I get curious, I get distracted. Does he have to train his muscles to turn that way? Do his wrists get tired? Are his elbows on backwards?
8.) Men who will not at least pretend to be interested in coming to my dance recitals. Look, I realize that sitting through three and a half hours of watching girls aged 3 and up in sequins run and skip across the stage to old Broadway tunes isn't exactly your ideal way of spending a Friday night. But, all I ask is that you half-smile and say "sounds fun". And I promise that I'll do the same while listening to a hole-by-hole recap of your golf game.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Things that went way over my head when I was a kid
While visiting with my mom last weekend, I was feeling a little bit under the weather. So, just like old times, I lay on the couch and let her bring me stuff. While lounging, I caught an episode of Three's Company. It was the one where Jack tries to get Chrissy and/or Janet in bed, and Mr. Furley makes fun of Jack for being "light on his feet", and then there's this huge misunderstanding. You've seen it. Anyway, about five minutes into it, I exclaimed to my mother, "Wow, when I watched this as a kid, I did not get this at all." So, that led me to think about other things that I encountered as a kid that went completely over my head. Here we go:
1.) Three's Company. I was convinced that Jack was just really really friendly.
2.) Paradise by the Dashboard Light. I was never quite sure why Meatloaf was in his car at a baseball game, but I just sang along and went with it.
3.) The entire movie Grease. You know the part in Grease where Rizzo says that she feels like a defective typewriter because she skipped a period and Marty asks her if she's PG? To the ten-year old me, that meant that Rizzo felt broken like a typewriter that skips periods because she and Kenickie french kissed and only kept it PG.
4.) Racism. We all knew that the "n-word" was bad and something that we should never say. But, after lecturing my friends on how bad of a word it is, I would then go off into the cul de sac with my jump rope singing "Chinese Japanese".
5.) Sesame Street. A square-shaped muppet singing "It's Hip to Be Square." Smokey Robinson singing "u've really got a hold on me" to the letter U. The "Beetles" singing "Letter B". Granted, the Children's Television Workshop meant for these things to go over my head. Kids are just supposed to think the songs are fun. They make the parodies for the parents. However, I think that most kids have figured out Sesame Street's schtick by age 9. Most kids.
6.) White Lines (Don't Do It). This one is embarrassing because it's SOOOO obvious! Sugar! Kane! Rock! White lines...what do white lines do? Blow away.... BLOW! I was probably 12 the first time that I heard this song. I knew what cocaine was. I knew it was called blow. I knew that people snorted it in white lines. Hell, in a way, the song even has "Just Say No" written into its title. Yet, I still had no idea what this song was about. I just thought it was catchy.
7.) Dirty Dancing. My favorite movie ever and I had no clue about the storyline. I would watch it on VHS, press rewind, and watch it again right after. But, really, the only line that I understood was "I carried a watermelon" and only because it involved being awkward and saying the wrong thing around boys, something with which I had a ton of experience. A lot of my confusion had to do with historical context. I grew up in a world where abortion was legal. So, I was completely confused about why Penny would trust a guy with a dirty knife and folding table. Also, every scene with Robby...over my head completely. I thought Johnny was the father of Penny's baby until 1996. And why was Baby so mad about the Fountainhead? Yeah...I didn't get that movie at all. But it had dancing. And Patrick Swayze's butt if you paused the VCR in the right place.
1.) Three's Company. I was convinced that Jack was just really really friendly.
2.) Paradise by the Dashboard Light. I was never quite sure why Meatloaf was in his car at a baseball game, but I just sang along and went with it.
3.) The entire movie Grease. You know the part in Grease where Rizzo says that she feels like a defective typewriter because she skipped a period and Marty asks her if she's PG? To the ten-year old me, that meant that Rizzo felt broken like a typewriter that skips periods because she and Kenickie french kissed and only kept it PG.
4.) Racism. We all knew that the "n-word" was bad and something that we should never say. But, after lecturing my friends on how bad of a word it is, I would then go off into the cul de sac with my jump rope singing "Chinese Japanese".
5.) Sesame Street. A square-shaped muppet singing "It's Hip to Be Square." Smokey Robinson singing "u've really got a hold on me" to the letter U. The "Beetles" singing "Letter B". Granted, the Children's Television Workshop meant for these things to go over my head. Kids are just supposed to think the songs are fun. They make the parodies for the parents. However, I think that most kids have figured out Sesame Street's schtick by age 9. Most kids.
6.) White Lines (Don't Do It). This one is embarrassing because it's SOOOO obvious! Sugar! Kane! Rock! White lines...what do white lines do? Blow away.... BLOW! I was probably 12 the first time that I heard this song. I knew what cocaine was. I knew it was called blow. I knew that people snorted it in white lines. Hell, in a way, the song even has "Just Say No" written into its title. Yet, I still had no idea what this song was about. I just thought it was catchy.
7.) Dirty Dancing. My favorite movie ever and I had no clue about the storyline. I would watch it on VHS, press rewind, and watch it again right after. But, really, the only line that I understood was "I carried a watermelon" and only because it involved being awkward and saying the wrong thing around boys, something with which I had a ton of experience. A lot of my confusion had to do with historical context. I grew up in a world where abortion was legal. So, I was completely confused about why Penny would trust a guy with a dirty knife and folding table. Also, every scene with Robby...over my head completely. I thought Johnny was the father of Penny's baby until 1996. And why was Baby so mad about the Fountainhead? Yeah...I didn't get that movie at all. But it had dancing. And Patrick Swayze's butt if you paused the VCR in the right place.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Lists...it's what I do.
In thinking of the type of blog that I want this to be and what kind of entries I would like to post, I came to the conclusion that there is going to be no rhyme or reason related to it. It will be completely random, verbally diarrhetic, filterless nonsense. Much different from other blogs. That thought led me to a second conclusion: I'm sarcastic even when talking to myself. And since I was coming up with more conclusions, I came to a third conclusion: sometimes things work better in list form.
For example, right back there...I could have said, "What I want this blog to be: 1.) random nonsense; 2.) sarcastic; 3.) in list form sometimes." So, here's my first list. It seemed appropriate to tell anyone who's reading a little bit about me. And it go a little something like this:
What's my story?
1. I think I'm a great actress and should absolutely be on a sitcom.
2. I auditioned for RENT, but did not land a part--unlike acting, my singing is not so great.
3. Sometimes I annoy myself with my habits such as having to read my book list in order, and always saying "Don't do that in prison." when I drop soap in the shower.
4. I think that if Sam Adams were still alive today, I may want to boink him. But, I'm not sure if I'm confusing him with the model for the Boston Beer Company's Sam Adams logo?
5. I've met a lot of famous people and have had drunken conversations with at least three. Eventually, I will tell the story of how I met and annoyed Dan Aykroyd. I will then follow up with how 1992 Olympic Figure Skating Silver Medalist Paul Wylie bought me a drink on my 21st birthday and proceeded to get really really mad at me. However, my encounter with Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind will remain in the vault.
6. I love having new clothes to wear, but I abhor shopping.
7. Although the craze is more or less over, I aspire to play Guitar Hero at the expert level.
8. I'm completely addicted to Nancy Drew Computer Games and they are the reason that I know Morse Code.
9. In my retirement, I would like to own a bookstore.
10. For a split second this year, I contemplated not paying taxes.
11. I think I'm addicted to speed dating.
Anyway, that is me in the proverbial nutshell. I think that I will be able to stay consistent with my mission statement and remain random, sarcastic, and sometimes list-forming. I hope you will stick with me and agree.
For example, right back there...I could have said, "What I want this blog to be: 1.) random nonsense; 2.) sarcastic; 3.) in list form sometimes." So, here's my first list. It seemed appropriate to tell anyone who's reading a little bit about me. And it go a little something like this:
What's my story?
1. I think I'm a great actress and should absolutely be on a sitcom.
2. I auditioned for RENT, but did not land a part--unlike acting, my singing is not so great.
3. Sometimes I annoy myself with my habits such as having to read my book list in order, and always saying "Don't do that in prison." when I drop soap in the shower.
4. I think that if Sam Adams were still alive today, I may want to boink him. But, I'm not sure if I'm confusing him with the model for the Boston Beer Company's Sam Adams logo?
5. I've met a lot of famous people and have had drunken conversations with at least three. Eventually, I will tell the story of how I met and annoyed Dan Aykroyd. I will then follow up with how 1992 Olympic Figure Skating Silver Medalist Paul Wylie bought me a drink on my 21st birthday and proceeded to get really really mad at me. However, my encounter with Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind will remain in the vault.
6. I love having new clothes to wear, but I abhor shopping.
7. Although the craze is more or less over, I aspire to play Guitar Hero at the expert level.
8. I'm completely addicted to Nancy Drew Computer Games and they are the reason that I know Morse Code.
9. In my retirement, I would like to own a bookstore.
10. For a split second this year, I contemplated not paying taxes.
11. I think I'm addicted to speed dating.
Anyway, that is me in the proverbial nutshell. I think that I will be able to stay consistent with my mission statement and remain random, sarcastic, and sometimes list-forming. I hope you will stick with me and agree.
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