Missed Connection for the Creepy Woman

It's no secret that I like to spend my time on the internet giving strangers a tough time. That's how I roll productively. One night, while scrolling through missed connections on Craigslist, I came across this:

"i was walking back home from lechmere. you came up from behind me and walked right next to me for a couple of seconds before going on ahead of me. that was so creepy. you should leave much more than half a foot between you and your fellow pedestrians at all times on an empty street after dark. thanks."

So, in summary, this woman had creeped this man out by walking. After thinking on this for ten or fifteen minutes, and as usual, unable to let it go, I posted a response:

"You were scared because a woman was walking next to you? She might have been trying to assist you...maybe by helping you find your testicles"

Yes, I threw the mundane and typical "Where are your balls?" jab at him. But, if any situation called for it, it was this one. He was creeped out by WALKING. The original poster, probably going through a similar "should I or shouldn't I respond" moment as I did, responded a few minutes later with:

"do you mean to say women can't be creeps? creepy behavior is creepy whatever the gender of the person. lol i wouldn't want her anywhere near my testicles"

So, a couple of things. Yes, women can be creeps. No, they cannot be creeps by walking next to you. That's not creepy behavior. I know that I'm blaming the victim here, but if men are going to start victimizing themselves because a woman is walking next to him, it's going to belittle all of the legitimate creepy things that happen to victims, like, oh I don't know...groping, flashing, raping, pillaging, plundering, sexual harassment, unwanted sexual advances, unwanted feels on a crowded T, public masturbation, throwing some Rohypnol in your liquor, positioning your camera up someone's skirt. You know, the stuff that is actually creepy. Not the stuff that everyone, including kids and dogs, do on a daily basis because they have to get from one place to another and that's how they do it.

At this point, another person responded with:

"Whatever dude.

I call bull shit.

As I recall you've been begging that woman to do more than just touch your testicles.

Hmmm, wonder why she stays away from them?"

Which prompted an eyeroll and a "dude, I'll handle this" from me. My next response was a two-parter:

"I don't believe I would characterize "walking next to you" as creepy behavior. Maybe you were going too slow and her pace was just a bit faster and it took her time to pass you. Was she staring at you while doing it? Did she bump into you a few times? Was she doing some weird dancing arm movements? All of that might be creepy. Walking? Not sure i see the creep factor there. You may be oversensitive

Maybe she didn't feel comfortable walking alone at 2 am and thought if she walked with you, no one would bother her. It's not always about you, mr. Self-Righteous"

 

Now, I had already guessed, as you probably have, that this guy was a whiny baby sissy pants. He used "lol" in a sentence and didn't capitalize anything, so possibly someone on the younger side of the spectrum. I was picturing Francis.

 

 

 

He proved me right with his next response:

"i had thought i could turn to CL to share the story of this horrifying incident without being subjected to this kind of ridicule. i suppose i was wrong?"

[Note: If I may interject here. What? You turned to CL hoping that you wouldn't be subjected to ridicule? CL is all about ridicule. Don't you have a mom or a best friend?]

you see [Note: I don't.], calling me self-righteous and over-sensitive, and even suggesting that i was going "too slow", is just blaming the victim of this type of creepy behavior. [Note: Hardly a victim, See above.] yes, staring, bumping into me and weird dancing arm movements would be much creepier. nevertheless, walking up right beside me, from behind me, in silence, when there was plenty of room on the sidewalk for her to keep her distance, is certifiably creepy. people have walked past me before in similar situations, but generally keeping the width of the sidewalk between us. i, myself, walk off the curb into the street to avoid creeping people out if i'm overtaking someone after dark on an empty street. [Note: Still not buying it.]

if this creepy woman was just uncomfortable and was hoping no one would bother her if she walked beside me, maybe she should have stopped to consider the possibility that *she* was very much bothering *me*? after all, i never signed up to be the personal escort/safety blanket of each and every woman. [Note: Always a gentleman, I see.] although, i would have been okay with it if she had just asked instead of acting as if she was entitled to my company without asking. [Note: Because asking, "can I walk with you? I don't want you to think that I feel as though I'm entitled to your company"; that's not creepy.]

i should also add that i was carrying a sandwich and up against a wire fence on my right, leaving me with fewer than normal options for defending myself or for escaping. [Note: "And officer, I couldn't defend myself, it would have meant dropping my sandwich."] i guess i should take the blame for deciding to carry a sandwich alone after dark on an empty street, limiting myself to just one free hand, and for not walking on the outer edge of the sidewalk so i could escape across the street if/when necessary? or maybe just tell the women you know not to be creeps?"

I laughed at this last response like the mean girls laughed at Josie Grossie.

He may have been messing with me, but I don't think so. Anyway, I couldn't help myself and I responded with:

"Dude, I can sympathize. There was this one time when a woman sat next to me on a bench. I relive it every single day."

And that was the end of it. Maybe he realized how silly he was being? I doubt it though. I think Francis, at this moment, is probably cowering in a corner because some "creepy" woman is eating chips across the street. Be brave, Francis. Be brave.

A day of Reckless Abandon and Abandonment at Fenway Park

First off, let me apologize for not writing as often as I should be! There are no excuses except for the fact that I am extremely lazy.

Monday, I partook in the tradition of attending Opening Day at Fenway Park. It was a beautiful day and the Red Sox defeated the Orioles 3-1. I clapped and pumped my fist and drank a lot of beer. Ticket sales at Fenway Park have declined this year, and the owners have had a tougher time than the previous few years of getting the fans in the seats. Blame the team's poor performance of last summer. Blame the ridiculous ticket prices. Blame the fact that last season wasn't the same without yelling "Yoooooooouk" and we had to settle for just a raucous rendition of Sweet Caroline. There are many reasons I'm sure. But, a few weeks ago, as a lure back to Fenway, the organization issued a press release that they would be selling beer for $5.00 in April! Much less than the $8.75 that we normally have to pay! And my sister, Stacy and I were stoked!! Until we got there. Those villains in the front office had foiled us again!

We went up to the beer counter and were surprised when the woman pouring asked us if we wanted "small" or "tall". "Tall", we replied, of course. We were confused when she handed us a regular-old-12-oz. cup of beer. Stacy whispered to me, "If this is a tall, how small is a small?" We learned soon after that it was very small when the guy in front of us came back to his seat with one. The $5.00 beer looked to be about half the size...which really isn't as big of a "deal" as I was expecting. So small, that my friend cleverly coined the phrase "The Pedroia Pilsner".




Despite this trickery by the evil geniuses at Fenway Park, people seemed to be buying up a lot of the $5.00 beer. In fact, (maybe as a result of a game that started one hour later than usual), the people sitting around us were trashed. The woman in the seat next to me passed out around the sixth inning. And from that point on, I kept one eye on the game and one on her as her friend tried to shove peanuts into her mouth and make it look like she was still awake.

But no one compared to the couple that was sitting in front of us. For reasons that will become clear, I'll refer to them as Mad Hater and Absentee Father. From the first pitch of the game, these two caught my attention. It wasn't just the fact that they were completely sauced and we still had nine innings to go. It was because of their gigantic age difference and that they introduced themselves as father and daughter, but were a bit too Mackenzie and John Phillips for my taste. Mad Hater was blond and looked as though her expression froze while duck-facing. Absentee Father was swaying in his seat and kept creeping closer and closer to the unlucky 25-year old sitting next to him.

Right around the fourth, I got up for a beer refill. When I hit the beer line, imagine my surprise to find that the kegs were tapped out. Apparently, Red Sox fans can consume more Dixie-sized beers than the front office was expecting! As a result, the lines for the remaining beer counters were ridiculous. Didn't really stop me from standing in one though...

Meanwhile, back at my seat, Mad Hater had noticed that her dad-boyfriend's new reluctant buddy, the unlucky 25-year old, was wearing a Bruins jersey underneath his Red Sox one. So, she asked him about it. Not sensing the trap, Reluctant Buddy told her that he was going to the Bruins game after the baseball game. For some inexplicable reason, this made Mad Hater mad. She began to scream, "You like the BRUINS??? HOW could you like the BRUINS?? What is WRONG with you???" If she had been joking, it would have been ok...odd, but still ok. But, she honestly seemed livid that this guy, a fan of one Boston team, would DARE to be a fan of another Boston team. I missed all of this, but when I returned to my seat, I returned to an atmosphere of uncomfortable silence and my sister filled me in on what had gone down.

Right around the time that I returned, Absentee Father earned his nickname by disappearing. I'm guessing that this was around the fifth inning. A couple of innings later, Mad Hater got up. I thought that they were gone for good. But sometime in the ninth, Mad Hater returned. I overheard her say to the Reluctant Buddy, "He never came back????"--surprised that Absentee Father had clearly abandoned her (which is another tell-tale sign that he's probably not really her father). She called his cell phone a few times and he didn't answer. She dropped her sunglasses in the row in front of her and had an awesome struggle trying to get them back. I began to feel sorry for her until she flipped us all off. And with a duck-faced huff, she got up and left.

I'll never know if Mad Hater found her "dad". I like to think of them passed out together underneath a disability ramp in the bowels of Fenway Park, their middle fingers permanently stuck up in the air, serving as a reminder to all of us to drink responsibly--even if it's only Dixie-sized beer.

Drivers be Driving me Crazy

It's time to get real. I'm not a violent person, by any means. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and easy going most of the time. The one exception is when I'm driving. Being from Massachusetts, we have a reputation for driving like "massholes". However, whether you're a courteous driver or not, there are certain implied rules of the road that everyone behind the wheel should follow. When someone breaks one of those rules, I can't help myself...I want to punch them in the face. So here are the driving habits of others that make me want to drive off a cliff:

1.) Being bad at merging. Some of the items in this list fall under the category of having no common sense and some of them fall under the category of being an asshole. This one is an example of having no common sense. I'm writing you from the land of the never-ending story, the Big Dig (Bastian, call my name!!).  Merging, in general, is pretty easy. You go with the flow of traffic, and find a space to fit in.When your lane closes due to construction, you follow it to the end and then you file in line, every other car. You do NOT slam on your brakes and try to squeeze yourself into a stopped lane of traffic. Because that equals two stopped lanes of traffic. And 400 desperate drivers in need of Falcor.

2.) Cutting in line/Breakdown lane travel. Clearly, this is in the category of being an asshole. You know the situation. You're in line to get off an exit, or take a turn, and here comes some jerkface (probably in a BMW) who flies past everyone and cuts in front of some unassuming weak link (probably in a Prius) up at the front of the line. The self-entitled attitude of these people is astounding. We're going back to kindergarten law here-as Mrs. Buckley taught me, you wait your turn. Out of all the people on this list that I want to punch in the face, this douche is at the top.

3.) Business in the fast lane. Look, I understand that there are people that like to conduct their business (i.e., check their morning e-mail, put on lipstick, make their follow-up calls, read the paper, mix a smoothie, whatever) in the car on the way to work. I'm not opposed to that, as long as they stay out of my way. The fast lane is for the driving people. While I'm on the subject of the fast lane...

4.) Left-lane hogs. What is wrong with these people? If there is enough space between you and the car in front of you to hold an entire Macy's Day Parade, and there are at least 13 cars behind you, riding each other's bumper like there are magnets attached...then you know, move over.

5.) RAIN!! DRIVE FOR YOUR LIVES!!! Here in Mass, we drive in the snow. It's dangerous. It's slippery. If you don't have four-wheel drive, it can be scary. We drive slowly in the snow. However, this doesn't mean that we have to drive slowly in all precipitation. If it's not raining hard enough to make the road wet, then you can go normal speed--no need to call FEMA.

6.) Drive-thru know-how. This one's probably just me. I cannot stand when you're in the drive-thru line and the person in front of you hasn't pulled up right behind the car in front of it, meaning you can't be in front of the intercom. I feel stupid enough talking into a rectangle box decorated with pictures of food. Craning your neck and yelling at the top of your lungs to a rectangle box decorated with pictures of food makes it so so much worse.

7.) Unnecessary honking. We've all been there. You're sitting in traffic that just isn't moving. Maybe there's an accident. Maybe there's a traffic light delay. Maybe there's a flock of geese crossing the road. Whatever. If there is more than one person in front of you who's not moving, odds are there is something in their way. Laying out on your horn will not "blast" the obstacle out of the way, no matter how long you honk. Stop trying.

8.) Premature pull-outs. I drive down this street in Braintree almost every morning on my way to work and there are tons of side streets that enter into it. Almost every morning, the same thing happens. There is no one behind me. I'm zipping down at a good clip and I think I'm in great shape to make it to work on time. Then, someone, instead of waiting for me to pass before turning onto the street, feels as though it's now or never and pulls out in front of me. I may have tolerance for this if they speed up afterwards. They probably would have been tailgating me anyway. But, typically, without fail, this premature evacuater drives about 15 mph all the way to the highway.

9.) The Brake-happy Bunch. Nothing makes me want to bang my head against the windshield more than people who overuse their brakes, like the ones who stop at green arrows. There are times when brakes are good: red lights, stop signs, squirrels, etc. But, green means brakes are bad. Along the same lines, if you're already ten miles under the speed limit when you're driving down the highway, there's no need to brake when you see a state trooper. He's not going to pull you over, except maybe for being a dumbass.

Conversations with friends

One of the traits that I admire in others is a sense of humor and as a result, my friends are all hilarious. I was also lucky enough to inherit a sense of humor from my parents. I frequently take note of our conversations so that I can remember them later. Here are a few of my favorites (mixed in with some that were not meant to be funny, but surprised us).

1. Ants and Cockroaches

Me: Do you think it's weird that when I kill ants, I always leave one alive so that he can go back and tell the other ants not to come in my apartment?
Friend: You're talking to a guy who once put a cockroach's head on a toothpick to let it be a warning to all of the other cockroaches.

2. Yay for Monday!

Me: I've had a couple of beers tonight, sorry if I'm not making sense.
Friend: Good for you! What's the occasion?
Me: Monday

3. The Truth about Melly

Me: I feel like I always get the last word in my arguments.
Friend: That's because you argue to the point that the other person thinks, "Ok, so it's either let it go or get arrested for second degree murder..."

4. Tomato/To-mah-to

Friend: We're invited to a homecoming party on Sunday
Me: A homecoming party?
Friend: Yep
Me: A HOMECOMING party???
Friend: (a little less sure of himself) Yep.
Me: Are these people in high school?
Friend: (confused) Nope.
Me: Are you sure that it's not a housewarming party.
Friend: ohhhhhhhh....

5. Good Question

Mom: Do you think that cannibals keep kosher? Like, there's probably a difference between eating someone who just had bacon vs. like, an orthodox rabbi, right?

6. What happens when two deaf people talk to each other

Mom: How was your date?
Me: It was good. I like him. I'm not sure about a future though. He has four kids.
Mom: Ew, he has blackheads?
Me: No, FOUR kids...but why would I care if he had black kids?
Mom: I don't know...it's kind of gross, isn't it?
Me: You have black kids.
Mom: I DO????

7. Eating Habits.

Me: I haven't been to the grocery store since March 2009
Friend: What?? How do you get food?
Me: I'm out to eat all the time, I go to my parents' house, things like that.
Friend: Where do you get your chips and snacks and stuff?
Me: Uh, the liquor store?

Boston, you're my not-so-friendly home!

I love Boston. Truly. I love crossing the Charles River over the Mass Ave bridge on a sunny day. I love being at the Harbor at night and looking toward the lit-up city skyline. I love walking through the streets and watching the neighborhoods change, each of them unique and wonderful.

But, we, Bostonians, have a reputation. I'm guilty of it as well. We don't take kindly to strangers. Our first reaction to a random stranger approaching us and starting a conversation is "why the hell is this person talking to me?" We think they're either a) homeless and panhandling, b) crazy and actually talking to the imaginary man standing next to us, c) lost and looking for directions, or d) weird. Once we've figured out the "why", we have no problem talking to you, even if the answer is "d". But, if you're not used to our initial reaction, you may feel put off and not continue the conversation. Bostonians have a tough time making new friends.

I was thinking about this last Friday. One of my sisters (Stacy) and I went to a preview for the Martha's Vineyard Film Festival which takes place on the island September 6-9, 2012. The preview was in Boston. It was a night of five short films, a reception with wine and appetizers, then a feature film. It was fantastic and I'm thinking about going to the film festival itself. But, back to my night at the movies.

A shortage of seating at the reception compelled Stacy and me to ask if we could share a table with a young couple sitting at a table for four. When they agreed, they made eye contact with us! Now, this is unheard of in Boston. But, their openness led me to begin asking them questions about how they heard about the film festival, etc. Soon we were engaged in lively conversation. They were charming! They had moved from Houston last year (which explains the eye contact). The female member of the couple and I have tons in common. She loves the Boston Ballet and Sixteen Candles is one of her favorite movies. She's very intelligent (a doctor) so she's good at book-learnin', but she also knows quite a bit about pop culture, like me. When we went back into the theater, we sat next to them. We exchanged numbers and hopefully, it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

The whole night got me thinking...it was really easy for me to make that friend. Yet, I've been finding it difficult to meet new people in this city. I've been blaming others for not approaching me. But, it's my own fault. I have made myself completely unapproachable. Eye contact, a smile, a "good morning", a "have a good night"...I need to start doing and saying these things. That's all that it takes. And I also need to remember that the "make new friends" piece of the old adage is just as important as "keeping the old".