Online Dating 101

I received a barking text from Crazy Pete yesterday that just said “More blog posts!!” So, without further ado…

I’ve been an observer and participant in the online dating world for a while now. I’m always surprised at certain things that people put in their profile that they believe will attract a mate. I alluded to it a bit here when I talked about shirtless pictures self-taken in bathroom mirrors and starting out your profile with “I can’t believe that I’m online dating”, but I wanted to add a bit more as I consider myself quite knowledgeable in this field.  [Note: This will be all about men for the simple reason that I don’t see a lot of women’s online dating profiles. I know from what I’ve picked up from the guys that women should not make “duckfaces” or post pictures from 1999. But, that’s where my knowledge on the subject ends.]

WHAT NOT TO PUT ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

1.)    Only Webcam photos. I’ve seen a couple of profiles where the guy has two or three pictures. And they’re all taken in front of his computer by his webcam. Sometimes he varies them by putting on a different sweatshirt, or smiling in one but giving a “come hither” look in the other. Guys, as women, we can tell that they’re webcam photos and were probably taken on the same day. It leads us to one of two conclusions that are not necessarily mutually exclusive:  A) this is a temporary profile that you just put up to talk to some women because you’re lonely or married or both, but you don’t have any intention of actually following through with an actual date or B) you’ve never been outside.

2.)    Incoherent sentences. I actually saw this the other day: “drp me a line if you be prety well hav fun”. What woman in her right mind would respond to this?  I’ve been nosing around enough on the internet to realize that people have a serious problem figuring out the difference between “your” and “you’re”. I can accept that. But, this is just lazy. Do you even TRY to speak English?

3.)    “I’d like to find someone who is accepting of the fact that I have a primary partner”.  This one, I actually think SHOULD go in your profile because it’s honest. But, I added it to this list because it’s the only entry on my list regarding why you shouldn’t have an online dating profile.

4.)    Pictures of you wearing a watermelon rind like a helmet. I won’t post it on the blog because I want to respect his privacy. But, believe me when I say, there is a profile on match.com where this picture exists, and it is his primary photo.

5.)    This. I copied this one word for word (spelling errors included) because my paraphrasing won’t do it justice: “Hi there. I'm looking for a beatiful sexy girl who isn't snobby or bitchy like my ex. I understand that all women will get that way sometime but not all time, ok? If you are a carring person who wants a loving, passionate lover, than I'm the guy for you. I'd love to go out to a Japanese restaurant with you. I shouldn't even be single right now, I've just been busy with work and I don't enjoy shopping at the bar. If you love Barrack, don't bother contacting me, otherwise I look forward to meeting you. Bye.” My favorite part of this is the random throw in of “going to a Japanese restaurant”. What was the thought process behind that? Hmmm, I’ve been talking a lot about myself and sex, I should add in something about what I’ll do for her. What do women like to do? They seem to like sushi.

My advice for what you should put in your online dating profile: Just be funny, sincere and yourself. If we end up dating some day, realize that we’ll have to meet in person. And I’ll know right away that you’re not really 35 years old or 6’2. The first time I go to your house, give me some credit. It’s quite easy to see if you live with your parents and not alone in a four-bedroom house as you originally said. Don’t start the relationship off with a lie. I would much rather go out with YOU, and not the person that you’ve built yourself up to be, and I'm sure most women agree.


UPDATE:

I received this message in my inbox after I posted this and had to share:

I really enjoyed your latest blog.  It got me to thinking about what mine would like if I was completely truthful and would anyone respond.

“Hi there.  I’ve been married for 27 years and my wife is my best friend and audience.   I’m just shy of 55, but I act like I’m 25.  In my mind I think most people think I’m a lot younger than I really am, but it’s probably due to my behavior more than my looks.  I’m a registered Republican and a recent online survey put me to the right of the Tea Party but I recycle, make my own compost and have a large garden.  I’m pro-choice and in fact I’m in favor of more women having more abortions given the number of losers having children they can’t afford and don’t know how to raise.  I’m a member of the NRA but I only own two revolvers and a shotgun.  I  rarely go shooting.  I subscribe to three magazines: National Geographic, American Rifleman and Organic Gardening.  I read the NY Times and the Boston Globe daily because I think it’s important to understand what the other side is thinking.  Occasionally I write comments to the newspapers under the pseudonym Divya Mush.  You’ll need to meet me in person to understand what’s behind that moniker.  I dislike crowds not because of agoraphobia but because I have low tolerance for ignorant fools who don’t follow the rules of good behavior.  I’m also a little paranoid, but not in a right wing terrorist way.  Some people think I look like a cop or ex-military.  I’m not a “joiner” or a good team player so the military would not be a good fit for me.  I’m also not very good at taking orders from a-holes getting up in my face.  As far as the police are concerned I’m not a fan.  I know too many jerk offs from high school who are cops.  I didn’t respect them then and I sure as hell don’t respect them now.  I prefer the company of women,  but not because I want to get laid, I just find them more interesting.  Good looks are a plus but not a deal breaker.  The real litmus test is brains.  If you have them you’re on my short list. At this stage in my life youth has its own cachet.  If you are anything like me I’m probably not interested.  I wouldn’t want to hang out with me, but then again you’re not me.  Finally, I’m really good at holding grudges.  If you screw me you’re done.  I’d rather not speak to someone ever again than to sit through an apology.  Your f-ck up will always be in the back of my mind and that can be hard on a relationship.”

Think this would get any responses?