Things you Shouldn't Do Post-30 while Socially Drinking

I frequently channel my inner Murtagh by saying in a gruff, gravelly voice, "I'm too old for this shit". And it mostly happens when I'm out having a couple of drinks. But, sometimes I wonder whether other people realize that they're also too old to do some of this shit. So, I thought I would be helpfully patronizing by submitting my list of things that people shouldn't do once they've hit 30 if they're out drinking socially. I realize that I'm going to sound extremely stodgy here...let's just hope it's in an endearing "Get off my lawn! Leave an old lady in peace!" way.

1.) Standing in line to get into bars. Hopefully, by the time you've hit 30, you've realized that the alcohol they serve at the bar next door with no line is exactly the same as the alcohol that they serve in the bar for which you've been standing in line for 20 minutes, in the freezing cold, surrounded by too many loud drunk guys looking at their phones and loud drunk girls who should be looking for the other parts of their dresses. You've also realized that whenever you actually do get into said bar, the likelihood of it actually being full is much less than the likelihood that the bouncers made you stand outside so that it looks like it's a popular place. Walk past the line and go to the bar next door. I say this not because you're too good to stand in a line (which you are), but because after 30 you're much more likely to ask to see the manager once you see that the bar is empty with a line outside and berate him for making you stand outside for 20 minutes and then get madder than Dave Seville after Alvin has pulled his most mischievous shenanigans. Best to go next door, enjoy a night of accessible bartenders, and write a nasty yelp review about the bar with the line when you get home.

2.) Referring to people as "Bro", "Bruh", or something that changes their name into Bro-something, like "Broseph" or "Brohammed". Unless your nickname is the Big Kahuna and you live in a surfboard storage shed on the beach, you should never refer to people as "bro" unless you're using it ironically. You'll notice that Barney Stinson always refers to the "Bro-Code", but he still calls Ted, "Ted".

3.) Hanging out with college kids. The over-used movie cliche in teen coming-of-age movies is the football star from last year who was a big deal in high school, but still comes to underage parties after everyone else has gone to college. I don't think that this is quite so bad, because sometimes you have friends that are still in high school and you like to see them when you're home for winter break. But, there is a real life version that involves people over 30 hanging out at college parties and this is not ok. Yes, college girls can be easy but legal. Yes, the booze is usually free. There's just something really sad about a 30 year old partying with a bunch of 20 year olds in the basement of a house that belonged to a professor in the 1920's. I would like to make an exception for people that belong in a fraternity and still go to the frat house to hang out with their "brothers"...but I can't. Speaking of people who are drunk and sad...

4.) Being a "sad drunk". It isn't overly enjoyable, but it is still tolerable when a 21 year old has had a little too much to drink and bursts into tears about how she doesn't have any friends, and how she really loves [insert name of man that she met at Hollister last week, but doesn't know his last name yet], but feels like he's never going to love her back, like really love her back. By the time you get to 30, the people that are around this girl every time this happens are pretty sick and tired of it. They would much rather be with the 30-year old drunk across the bar who's telling everyone in sight that she loves them and ordering everyone to do "I love you this much" shots.

5.) Sleeping around. So, in your 20's, it can be ok to have seen too many episodes of Sex and the City/Entourage and think of yourself as a liberated feminist/playboy that chews up men/women and spits them out on their "You'll call me, right?" face. But, when you hit 30, and people seem to be coupling up and settling down and popping out kids, then waiting till closing time every weekend to see whom you can bring home should make you feel a little bit washed-up. If it's not, you may want to re-watch Sex and the City 2 and Entourage Season 8, and then see how you feel.