Did you know that soap opera stars like to sing 80's monster hits? Did you know that middle-aged women like to shed their sweatpants, don shiny sequined shirts, and dance and scream to a level rivaling any tween with Bieber Fever? Did you know that it's possible to sing Whitesnake's Here I Go Again badly? I learned all of these things and more at the Port Chuck concert last Friday night at the Wilbur Theatre.
Port Chuck is made up of four actors from General Hospital: Steve Burton, Scott Reeves, Brandon Barash, and Bradford Anderson. Basically, they travel across the country with a backup band and sing rock covers. When my sister, Stacy, asked me to go, I said yes immediately. I just couldn't pass up a chance to see this phenomenon in person. Plus, Steve Burton is super hot.
The band members came out first. They had a guitarist, bass player, keyboardist and a drummer. I quickly exclaimed to my sister, "Oh awesome, they have a female keyboardist!" However, when the stage lights came on, I realized that it was a just a guy who should rethink his haircut. The Soap Guys came out next. One by one. And the women screamed...loudly.
The music started and the guys lined up in front of the stage with four stand-up microphones. They sang (awkwardly) and danced (badly). It was reminiscent of the time when I watched some Theta Delta Chi brothers sing karaoke at one of their house parties. They would sing into the mikes, and during the breaks in lyrics, while the music played, they'd look awkwardly at each other and sorta hop around the stage. I think that this all could be fixed by hiring a choreographer. So, I'm surprised that after they've been touring for a few years now, they haven't done that. To add to the weirdness, at times, it was like the audience wasn't really there. Every once in a while, they would notice the screaming and blow a kiss or do something that induced more screaming. They sang such hits as the Outfield's Your Love, Springsteen's Born to Run, and more I'm sure...except I left early, so I couldn't tell you about them.
During the show, I noticed a few things. Scott Reeves seemed like he was high on something, and I don't think it was "life". Audience members seem to get up and go to the bathroom during country songs. Also, it is possible for bouncers and security at a rock concert to look even more bored than I originally thought they could.
I have to say that the sheer hilarity of it all did make it pretty fun to watch. My only disappointment is that Steve Burton kind of lost some of his hotness for me. I just can't handle it when people put their finger to their ear a la Christina Aguilera when they sing. I don't think that it does anything except make me laugh. He did it a few times. And I wish he hadn't. Because he's so pretty.
All in all, the next time they whisk through your town on their white motorcycles with the wind blowing through their luscious locks, you might want to check them out for the experience. Just lower your expectations in terms of performance and go into it much as you would a Harlequin romance novel.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Why I'm still single
Happy VD!!! (and that can stand for whatever you want it to...) In honor of VD, I decided to take a good, hard look at myself and answer the question that I often get asked, for better or worse, "Mel, why are you still single?" I think that it's a combination of things for a variety of reasons: character flaws, life choices, just plain dumb luck. But, I've compiled this list of the five major reasons, in my belief, that I haven't found Mr. Right-For-Me yet.
1.) I talk about computer games like they're real. I've realized something this week. I've been way too harsh on role-playing gamers who dress up like elves or fairies or whatever and have pretend battles in middle-school soccer fields. I do it, too! Well, not the pretend battle thing. But, after playing so many Nancy Drew computer games, I actually problem-solve like I'm Nancy Drew to figure things out now. And I think about Ned, and my best friends, Bess and George, and how much I miss them when I don't get to talk to them and...I digress. Bottom line is that I'm not that different from Eolain the Elder, or Jobias the Wizard, or Brian the Farmer or whatever.
2.) I start fights with people on okcupid. If it hasn't come across in my writing, I can be a bit sarcastic. And I also have a bad habit of not being able to let things go, as I've mentioned before. So, every once in a while I come across a dating profile and I can't help but write to that person and make some joke about why it sucks. For example, the other night, I came across a profile where the guy didn't have anything really to say about himself, but just had a bunch of links to youtube videos of awful music that he's made. Of course, this prompted me to send him a message that said, "Is this your dating profile or your music promotion page? Tough to say." To which I received a pretty nasty response, too juvenile to repeat here. Admittedly, I probably deserved a nasty response. But, why can't you just promote your horrible music on bandcamp or something and leave us daters alone? Anyway, if I stop spending my time instigating internet arguments, I may be able to find the right person.
3.) I have a Seinfeld and/or Saved by the Bell reference for any given situation. At a speed dating event recently, I had a conversation kinda like this:
Date: So, we only have 8 minutes! I have a very important question. What's your favorite cookie?
Me: Oh! I have to say chocolate chip. What's yours?
Date: I'm partial to the black and white.
Me: (thinking that he's bringing this up to see if we connect over Seinfeld) Aren't you worried about ruining your vomit streak?
Date: (with a blank stare) ...
Me: (thinking that I may be wrong) You know. Seinfeld? 'How's your stomach?' 'I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.'?
Date: (looking at me as if I had gotten his number from an AIDS walk list) Oh. I don't watch Seinfeld.
Me: ...oh. (muttering under my breath) where is that guy with the whistle...
That was the first time that I started to think that maybe it was me? As Elaine says, "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
4.) I hang out a lot one-on-one with straight-acting gay men. One of my very best friends happens to be male and happens to be gay. However, unless you have extremely attuned gaydar, you wouldn't know that he was gay unless you had an extensive conversation with him, in which he brings up how many guys he's banged. We do a lot of things together. Go to concerts. Go out to dinner. Go to Red Sox games. And we see a lot of friendly and cute men...and I'm beginning to think that these friendly and cute men may mistake us for a couple. The next time we go out, I may ask my BF (dammit, best friend, not boyfriend!) to wear hot pants and a tank top, so that there's no room for error.
5.) I denounced an entire religion for ten years based on a very small sample size. I would say about 77% of the words that come out of my mother's mouth are either, "wish", "settle", "down", "nice", "Jewish", or "boy". She wanted me to go to college, so that I could be independent. But, I think that she secretly was hoping I would end up with both a BA and a MRS degree. And so, she did everything within her power to push me toward Brandeis where all her dreams would come true. However, I had been to our temple. I had the mistaken view that all Jewish men were "not my type". And I fell in love with Tufts during a campus visit and went there instead (although Tufts and Brandeis probably aren't that far apart in the "we have Jews" competition). I never wanted to date a Jewish guy. I avoided the Hillel Center. I shunned any "Jewish singles" events that happened during college and throughout my 20's. And then I learned...that Gabe Kapler existed:
1.) I talk about computer games like they're real. I've realized something this week. I've been way too harsh on role-playing gamers who dress up like elves or fairies or whatever and have pretend battles in middle-school soccer fields. I do it, too! Well, not the pretend battle thing. But, after playing so many Nancy Drew computer games, I actually problem-solve like I'm Nancy Drew to figure things out now. And I think about Ned, and my best friends, Bess and George, and how much I miss them when I don't get to talk to them and...I digress. Bottom line is that I'm not that different from Eolain the Elder, or Jobias the Wizard, or Brian the Farmer or whatever.
2.) I start fights with people on okcupid. If it hasn't come across in my writing, I can be a bit sarcastic. And I also have a bad habit of not being able to let things go, as I've mentioned before. So, every once in a while I come across a dating profile and I can't help but write to that person and make some joke about why it sucks. For example, the other night, I came across a profile where the guy didn't have anything really to say about himself, but just had a bunch of links to youtube videos of awful music that he's made. Of course, this prompted me to send him a message that said, "Is this your dating profile or your music promotion page? Tough to say." To which I received a pretty nasty response, too juvenile to repeat here. Admittedly, I probably deserved a nasty response. But, why can't you just promote your horrible music on bandcamp or something and leave us daters alone? Anyway, if I stop spending my time instigating internet arguments, I may be able to find the right person.
3.) I have a Seinfeld and/or Saved by the Bell reference for any given situation. At a speed dating event recently, I had a conversation kinda like this:
Date: So, we only have 8 minutes! I have a very important question. What's your favorite cookie?
Me: Oh! I have to say chocolate chip. What's yours?
Date: I'm partial to the black and white.
Me: (thinking that he's bringing this up to see if we connect over Seinfeld) Aren't you worried about ruining your vomit streak?
Date: (with a blank stare) ...
Me: (thinking that I may be wrong) You know. Seinfeld? 'How's your stomach?' 'I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.'?
Date: (looking at me as if I had gotten his number from an AIDS walk list) Oh. I don't watch Seinfeld.
Me: ...oh. (muttering under my breath) where is that guy with the whistle...
That was the first time that I started to think that maybe it was me? As Elaine says, "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
4.) I hang out a lot one-on-one with straight-acting gay men. One of my very best friends happens to be male and happens to be gay. However, unless you have extremely attuned gaydar, you wouldn't know that he was gay unless you had an extensive conversation with him, in which he brings up how many guys he's banged. We do a lot of things together. Go to concerts. Go out to dinner. Go to Red Sox games. And we see a lot of friendly and cute men...and I'm beginning to think that these friendly and cute men may mistake us for a couple. The next time we go out, I may ask my BF (dammit, best friend, not boyfriend!) to wear hot pants and a tank top, so that there's no room for error.
5.) I denounced an entire religion for ten years based on a very small sample size. I would say about 77% of the words that come out of my mother's mouth are either, "wish", "settle", "down", "nice", "Jewish", or "boy". She wanted me to go to college, so that I could be independent. But, I think that she secretly was hoping I would end up with both a BA and a MRS degree. And so, she did everything within her power to push me toward Brandeis where all her dreams would come true. However, I had been to our temple. I had the mistaken view that all Jewish men were "not my type". And I fell in love with Tufts during a campus visit and went there instead (although Tufts and Brandeis probably aren't that far apart in the "we have Jews" competition). I never wanted to date a Jewish guy. I avoided the Hillel Center. I shunned any "Jewish singles" events that happened during college and throughout my 20's. And then I learned...that Gabe Kapler existed:
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