I received an e-mail from Date and Dash asking me if I wanted to attend a free speed-dating event. I saw "free" and immediately said yes. When they sent me the details of the event, I scanned through and my eyes stopped at one sentence: "This will be filmed for a television segment." WHAT?? I started to freak out a bit. This was taking an already stressful event and skydiving it parachute-less into a lion-surrounded, piranha-covered, anthrax-powdered, burning ring of fire. What if I was signing up for a reality show? What if it was like one of those shows where you think you'll be speed-dating, but then they offer you $1000 to eat an elephant testicle or something? I didn't want to look stupid(er). I almost backed out. But, then I started to think...what if it's not any of that? What if it's actually Dateline or 20/20 or Good Morning America. And they're doing a segment on dating. And then they become so engaged by me after interviewing me and realize that the camera LOVES me so much, that they decide to turn it into a docu-series, starring me and I become an overnight sensation and end up trading witty banter with Ellen DeGeneres, and then some movie producer sees it and believes that he's looking at the next America's Sweetheart and I blow up and a year from now I'm accepting my Oscar. I decided that it was worth a shot.
I arrived at the The Brahmin and the Date and Dash guy met me at the door. He signed me in and then called over the television people. They took my picture, had me sign a release, and told me about what would be happening that night. Yes, it was a reality show. No, they didn't care about having me on it. It was called Boston's Finest, premiering on TNT next month, produced by Donnie Wahlberg, and it was following a female police officer in Boston who was "looking for love". The guys would all be miked and they would be the ones on the show, as they would be "dating" the girl that the show was focusing on. The girls would all be in the background. While I was a little bit disappointed that I may not get a shot at film success, I was a bit relieved as well. The potential for me to say something ridiculously dumb on national television was eliminated. It was up to the men for that.
When we went down the stairs into the lounge area, where the numbered tables were set up, they sat me down at number 3. And here is when my first suspicion about reality television was confirmed. They get you liquored up on purpose. They gave us all drink tickets. Typically drink tickets are good for beer or wine or cheap vodka only. Our drink tickets were good for anything behind the bar. A double of Johnnie Walker Blue? Sure, did you want that neat or on the rocks? Dom Perignon White Gold? I have some chilling right over here for you. Because the more you drink, the dumber you act, and the better television it makes.
Also, I had always suspected that reality television was scripted. I just didn't know HOW scripted! They do re-takes. If it doesn't come out the way they want it the first time, they film it again. The Date and Dash guy had to go through his "how we speed-date" speech twice and we all looked interested like he was saying it for the first time, both times. They even had the guys re-do their 8 minutes of dating a few times.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself. The "reality" is that while this thing was supposed to start at 7:30, around 9:00, it still hadn't begun. The boys had been enjoying their drinks a little too much and were so hammered by this point, that I didn't even really want to talk to any of them. The atmosphere was awkward as we weren't sure whether we were supposed to mingle, or wait for the official speed date to start. So, we all just sat there looking at each other. When people get drunk and impatient and feel awkward, it breeds drama. Tune in for Part 2 to watch the drama unfold...
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